Classic tongue-in-cheek puns

  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says : “A beer please, and one for the road.”
  • Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  • I went to a seafood disco rave last week … and pulled a mussel.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  • That was two-thirds of a pun: ‘p’ , ‘u’ .

 

Check out By George Journal’s selection of puns in our archives – articles tagged “puns”.

(ed. – No punny post would be complete without acknowledging our friend, The Kng of Punsters, Dick Inwood. Thanks Dick for your years of providing our office countless morning smiles and groans!!)

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Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a trusted executive assistant, a communications can-do guy, or a go-to-scribe? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Our Redundant Redundancies

Have you notice we repeatedly use common figures of speech that are obvious redundancies?  Here are a few we’ve recorded at work in the last few weeks.

  • an added bonus
  • all inclusive
  • basic fundamentals
  • a brief moment
  • it’s boiling hot
  • let’s circle around
  • classic tradition
  • close proximity
  • duplicate copy
  • end result
  • false illusion
  • they’re immortalized forever
  • live audience
  • mental thought
  • my personal opinion
  • new discovery
  • original founder
  • it’s a temporary reprieve
  • true fact
  • unique, one-in-a-lifetime opportunity

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Monday Morning Definitions

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
A cake in such a way that
Everybody believes
He got the biggest piece

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
Multiplied by the
Number present

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
Nobody listens

OFFICE:
A place
Where you can relax
After your strenuous
Home life

SMILE:
A curve
That can set
A lot of things straight!
And everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
You are going to feel
A feeling
You have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book
Which people praise,
But never read

MARRIAGE:
It’s an agreement Wherein
A man loses his bachelors degree
And a woman gains her masters

YAWN:
The only time
When some married men
Ever get to open
Their mouth

EXPERIENCE:
The name
Men give
To their
Mistakes

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
Masculine will power is
Defeated by feminine water-power!

DIPLOMAT:
A person
Who tells you
To go to hell
In such a way
That you actually look forward
To the trip

OPTIMIST:
A person
Who while falling
From EIFFEL TOWER
Says in midway
“SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!”

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting information
From the notes of the lecturer
To the notes of students
Without passing through the minds
Of either

MISER:
A person
Who lives poor
So that
He can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
Provided by
Nature

BOSS:
Someone
Who is early
When you are late
And late
When you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who
Shakes your hand
Before elections
And your confidence
Later

DOCTOR:
A person
Who kills
Your ills
By pills,
And kills you
By his bills!

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
Rolled in paper
With fire at one end
And a fool at the other!

 

(ed. – Our thanks to friend Dick Inwood for these priceless definitions. Great way to start the week!) 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

10 Spoonerisms, Oxymorons, & Palindromes

Here are three lists of special kinds of words…. a diversion for our wordsmith followers.

Spoonerisms are slips of the tongue by transposing the sounds of words, usually by accident. (The term “spoonerism” is derived from W.A. Spooner (1844 – 1930), an English clergyman noted for such slips.)

  • a lack of pieces – a pack of lies
  • tips of the slung – slips of the tongue
  • pleating and humming – heating and plumbing
  • chilled grease – grilled cheese
  • sparking pace – parking space
  • chewing the doors – doing the chores
  • clappy as a ham – happy as a clam
  • wave the sails – save the whales
  • tease my ears – ease my tears
  • our queer old dean – our dear old Queen

 

Oxymorons are adjectives describing nouns of opposite meaning (such as a jumbo shrimp)

  • virtual reality
  • original copy
  • old news
  • act naturally
  • pretty ugly
  • constant variable
  • exact estimate
  • paid volunteers
  • sound of silence
  • only choice

 

Palindromes are words or sentences that read the same backward or forward.

  • A nut for a jar of tuna.
  • Borrow or rob?
  • Do geese see God?
  • Go hang a salami. I’m a lasagna hog.
  • A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!
  • We panic in a pew.
  • Never odd or even.
  • Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
  • Madam in Eden, I’m Adam.
  • Murder for a jar of red rum.

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.