From The Lighter Side

Humourous articles and classic jokes

15 Humpday Revelations

Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue! Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. We could learn a lot from crayons.  Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.  Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you lend someone…

American Know-How

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management…

Thanksgiving gaffaws (at the expense of the turkey)

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play. What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?  If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy. Our turkey was sick. All day long it had a thermometer in it. Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off. What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck himself! Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?  Because they never learned good table manners! What sound does a space turkey…

Explaining Politics

MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM, “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.” HE SAID, “NO.” I TOLD HIM, “SHE IS BILL GATES’ DAUGHTER.” HE SAID, “YES.” I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON.” BILL GATES SAID, “NO.” I TOLD BILL GATES, “MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK.” BILL GATES SAID, “OK.” I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO. HE SAID, “NO.” I TOLD HIM, “MY SON IS BILL GATES’ SON-IN-LAW.” HE SAID, “OK.”   AND THAT’S…

A lesson in punctuation

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Henry Miller’s 10 Commandments for Writers

Work on one thing at a time until finished. Start no more new books, add no more new material to “Black Spring.” Don’t be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand. Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time! When you can’t create you can work. Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers. Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like it. Don’t be a draught-horse! Work with pleasure only. Discard the Program when you feel like it—but go back to it next day. Concentrate.…

Margaret Atwood’s 10 Rules for Writers

Take a pencil to write with on airplanes. Pens leak. But if the pencil breaks, you can’t sharpen it on the plane, because you can’t take knives with you. Therefore: take two pencils. If both pencils break, you can do a rough sharpening job with a nail file of the metal or glass type. Take something to write on. Paper is good. In a pinch, pieces of wood or your arm will do. If you’re using a computer, always safeguard new text with a ­memory stick. Do back exercises. Pain is distracting. Hold the reader’s attention. (This is likely to…

Murphy’s (other) 15 Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. He who laughs last, thinks slowest A day without sunshine is like, well, night Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. It is said that…

“THE Q&A” for our digital age

If there was one question and answer that sums up just how strange our world is in our day and digital age, it is the following: Q: If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today? . A: I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get in arguments with strangers. . This Q&A originally was found on Reddit (apparently).   Chris George, providing reliable PR…

Ponder-isms for a Monday morning

1·      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 3·        Life is sexually transmitted. 4·      Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5·        The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6·        Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 8·     Whenever I feel blue,…