Humourous Christmas Quotes

  • Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home. — Carol Nelson
  • Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. — W. C. Fields
  • Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music. — Tom Sims
  • Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. — Unknown
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day. — Phyllis Diller
  • The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. — Johnny Carson
  • I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included — Bernard Manning
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. — Victor Borge
  • The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. — Joan Rivers
  • I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. — Shirley Temple
  • Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. — Dennis Miller
  • The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. — Jay Leno
  • Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. — Johnny Carson
  • Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year. — P.J. O’Rourke
  • Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? — Bill Watterson
  • Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. — Larry Wilde
  • I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays. — Henry Youngman
  • A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. — Garrison Keillor
  • Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. — Kim Hubbard
  • There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. — P.J. O’Rourke

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