Tagged joke

Gift-receiving – the pessimist and the optimist

. A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Eve the twins’ father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure. Christmas morning the father passed by the pessimist’s room and…

Sunday Smile: Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named  Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.   As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Lutheran Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.   Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.   So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint…

Holiday Cookie Rules

We just realized that we provided a recipe for Greek Christmas Cookies this week without forwarding any rules to help you through the season… Here are some Holiday Cookie Rules. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free. If you drink milk after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the milk cancels out the cookie calories (water has the same properties here). If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs…

This just in… Christmas is to be Downsized

Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. The three French hens will remain…

Top-10 Things to Say about a Christmas Gift You Don’t Like

10. Hey! There’s a gift! 9. Well, well, well … 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious! 4. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 2. To think — I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts…

Some Christmas Humour

Cryptic Christmas Card A man sent his friend a cryptic Christmas card. It read: A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z. The recipient puzzled over it for weeks, finally gave up and wrote asking for an explanation. He later received the explanation: “No L.”   The Real Santa? The local newscaster was with the crowd of parade watchers, welcoming Santa as he arrived in town, and in a live interview asked a bouncy 4-year old girl if she had talked with this…

The Dead Horse Theory

This theory is sometimes referred to as “Government’s Political Correctness.” Here’s the predicament:   The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount, then get another horse.” However, in Government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: buying a stronger whip changing riders appointing a committee to study the horse arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included reclassifying the dead horse…

Identifying “Governmentium”

A research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science.  The new element has been tentatively named “Governmentium “. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.   These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.   Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to…

You might be Canadian if…

You might be Canadian if: You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat. You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan” Your municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas. You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don’t miss Hockey Night. You substitute beer for water when cooking. You pity people who haven’t tasted a “beavertail”. You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. You have twins…

Short jokes re: Canada

Q: What do you call a sophisticated American?/ A: Canadian. Q: What are the two seasons of weather in Canada? / A: Six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling. Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? / A: “Sorry” Q: How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians? / A: “Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?” Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Canadian?/ A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it. Q: Did you hear about the…