Tagged joke

American Know-How

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So American management…

Thanksgiving gaffaws (at the expense of the turkey)

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play. What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?  If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy. Our turkey was sick. All day long it had a thermometer in it. Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off. What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck himself! Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?  Because they never learned good table manners! What sound does a space turkey…

Explaining Politics

MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM, “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.” HE SAID, “NO.” I TOLD HIM, “SHE IS BILL GATES’ DAUGHTER.” HE SAID, “YES.” I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON.” BILL GATES SAID, “NO.” I TOLD BILL GATES, “MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK.” BILL GATES SAID, “OK.” I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO. HE SAID, “NO.” I TOLD HIM, “MY SON IS BILL GATES’ SON-IN-LAW.” HE SAID, “OK.”   AND THAT’S…

A lesson in punctuation

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Murphy’s (other) 15 Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. He who laughs last, thinks slowest A day without sunshine is like, well, night Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. It is said that…

Ponder-isms for a Monday morning

1·      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 3·        Life is sexually transmitted. 4·      Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5·        The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6·        Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 8·     Whenever I feel blue,…

It’s “the epic” collection of political jokes and quotes

Here is “the epic” collection of political jokes from the campaign trail. With just two weeks left in the Ontario election, By George is re-publishing its political jokes and quotes book with many more jokes and feature sections. This 150-page e-book is bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. The collection has some of the absolute best classics. It also has a selection of the most humourist and provocative memes culled from Facebook and Twitter. Epic Political Jokes & Quotes will put a smile on your face, one page after another. For many, it is…

Identifying “Governmentium”

A research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science.  The new element has been tentatively named “Governmentium “. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.   These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.   Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to…

10 comments sure to turn heads in your office

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. You’re never too old to learn something stupid. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  It appears your desk is a work station. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. The voices in my head may not be real, but they…

Jokes of the Irish and their drinking

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver,  “where have ya been?” ” Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk. ” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite  a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” say’s the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell…