Some Christmas Humour

Cryptic Christmas Card

A man sent his friend a cryptic Christmas card. It read:

A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.

The recipient puzzled over it for weeks, finally gave up and wrote asking for an explanation. He later received the explanation: “No L.”

 

The Real Santa?

The local newscaster was with the crowd of parade watchers, welcoming Santa as he arrived in town, and in a live interview asked a bouncy 4-year old girl if she had talked with this Santa yet to give him her Christmas list.

“No” she replied emphatically.

“Are you going to talk with Santa?” the newscaster asked.

“NO” once again was the most definite answer which was not the reaction that he was expecting at all!

“Why?” he curiously asked the little one.

“Because the real Santa is at the Mall.”

 

Who is the Real Virgin?

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which virgin was the mother of Jesus?  The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

 

The Wrong Gift

The parents began to assemble the special Christmas gift they had for their children.   They had ordered a kit for a tree house and received the plans for it.   However, the materials they received were for a sailboat.

They wrote the company to complain.

The company’s reply:  “While we regret the inconvenience this mistake must have cause you, it is nothing compared to that of the man who is out on a lake somewhere trying to sail your tree house.”

 

The Seasonal Response

The store’s Santa Claus gave Jeanie a candy cane.  Her mother says, “What do you say, Jeanie?”  Jeanie looks up at Santa and says, “Charge it!”

 

God’s Not Deaf

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents’ house the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The younger one began praying at the top of his lungs:

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…”
“I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…”

His older brother leaned over, nudged him and said, “Why are you shouting? God’s not deaf, you know?”

The younger brother replied. “Yes I know God’s not deaf, but Grandmother is.”

 

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Holiday Cookie Rules

We just realized that we provided a recipe for Greek Christmas Cookies this week without forwarding any rules to help you through the season… Here are some Holiday Cookie Rules.

If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

If you drink milk after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the milk cancels out the cookie calories (water has the same properties here).

If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend’s first cookie is calorie free, rule #1 is yours also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free, as well.

Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

Any calories consumed during the frosting of The Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five – one calorie for each letter. (Make more red ones!)

Cookies eaten while watching “Miracle on 34th Street” have NO calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

As always, cookie “pieces” contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

Any cookies consumed from someone else’s plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. (We all know how calories like to CLING!)

Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. (It’s a rule!)

Now, in thinking about this time of the year, you have heard of the Four Stages to Life haven’t you?!

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

(And I know what you are going to say to that… “Ho, ho, ho.”)

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Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

American Know-How

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the “Rowing Team Quality First Program”, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.

There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Thanksgiving gaffaws (at the expense of the turkey)

  • Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
  • What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?  If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy.
  • Our turkey was sick. All day long it had a thermometer in it.
  • Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off.
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck himself!
  • Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?  Because they never learned good table manners!
  • What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, hubble, hubble.
  • Using a new recipe, my wife put the turkey in aluminum foil. She had to roast it until it was brown. Twenty-four hours later, the aluminum foil was still silver.
  • Every year around Thanksgiving and Christmas you see such helpful articles on “How To Carve A Turkey”.  And, they’re really practical.  Now, if I can only find a butcher who sells those turkeys with the dotted lines on them.
  • Why are the cranberries red? Because they saw the turkey dressing!
  • A man went to get a turkey from a live poultry farm. “Do you have any turkeys going cheap?” he asked. “Nope,” said the owner. “All our turkey go ‘gobble, gobble, gobble.'”
  • Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Timothy wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Have a happy Thanksgiving all! Gobble, gobble!

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Explaining Politics

MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM, “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.”

HE SAID, “NO.”

I TOLD HIM, “SHE IS BILL GATES’ DAUGHTER.”

HE SAID, “YES.”

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON.”

BILL GATES SAID, “NO.”

I TOLD BILL GATES, “MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK.”

BILL GATES SAID, “OK.”

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.

HE SAID, “NO.”

I TOLD HIM, “MY SON IS BILL GATES’ SON-IN-LAW.”

HE SAID, “OK.”

 

AND THAT’S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

 

(Thanks to our friend Dick Inwood who sent this wonderful laugh to us this morning! – cg) 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.