Tagged office humour

Proverbs for Today’s Crazy World

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. If you are too open minded, your brains will fall out. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. Going to church does not make you a Christian, any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way,…

10 Rules for a Modern-Day Skeptic

Here is a tongue-in-cheek list of rules for those who wish to maintain a skeptical outlook. Do not let what you think get in the way of what you see. Do not let what you see determine what you think, for appearances are deceptive. Be omnivorous in your tastes. The only way to see something whole is from several points of view. The closer you come to reality the more it is a mystery, and the more unimaginable it is that you or anything else exists. The only truth is in scrupulous satisfaction over time. Develop principles that you are…

Office Quips

Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking. Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out. There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience. When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept…

Mind-Numbing (Friday afternoon) Quiz

Here is By George’s TGIF-Friday-afternoon quiz to determine whether the work week has knocked your mind sideways. Let us know how you scored…   Johnny’s mother had three children.  The first child was named April.  The second child was named May.  What was the third child’s name?   There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.  What does he weigh?   Before Mt. Everest was discovered…what was the highest mountain in the world?   How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by…

Obituary for Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: – Knowing when to come in out of the rain; – Why the early bird gets the worm; – Life isn’t always fair; – And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies…

Identifying “Governmentium”

A research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science.  The new element has been tentatively named “Governmentium “. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.   These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.   Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to…

Daily Affirmations for the Office

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. When someone hurts me, forgiveness…

10 comments sure to turn heads in your office

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. You’re never too old to learn something stupid. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  It appears your desk is a work station. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. The voices in my head may not be real, but they…

An unemployable bloke’s lament

This punny story is found in our very own By George Treasury:   My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned . . . couldn’t concentrate.  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.  Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a…

Really, there’s nothing like a good pun

A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from…. Finally, it dawned on him. PUNS – we swear they make the world spin counter-clockwise. We absolutely love to hear that groan…. Here are three that will have your colleagues and friends looking sideways. #1 – A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.…