Tagged office humour

Daily Affirmations for the Office

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. When someone hurts me, forgiveness…

10 comments sure to turn heads in your office

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. You’re never too old to learn something stupid. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  It appears your desk is a work station. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. The voices in my head may not be real, but they…

An unemployable bloke’s lament

This punny story is found in our very own By George Treasury:   My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned . . . couldn’t concentrate.  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.  Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a…

Really, there’s nothing like a good pun

A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from…. Finally, it dawned on him. PUNS – we swear they make the world spin counter-clockwise. We absolutely love to hear that groan…. Here are three that will have your colleagues and friends looking sideways. #1 – A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.…

A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England ‘s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7). For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant….. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.…

The Dead Horse Theory

This theory is sometimes referred to as “Government’s Political Correctness.” Here’s the predicament:   The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount, then get another horse.” However, in Government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: buying a stronger whip changing riders appointing a committee to study the horse arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included reclassifying the dead horse…

Identifying “Governmentium”

A research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science.  The new element has been tentatively named “Governmentium “. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.   These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.   Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to…

It’s the Ides of March – Enjoy

For your morning smile today, here’s Canadian content that will help to celebrate the Ides of March. Our infamous comedy team of Canucks, John Wayne and Frank Shuster, did a memorable skit of the assassination of Julius Caesar, in which Caesar’s wife keeps screeching “I told him, Julie, don’t go!” Even dated some three decades and more, “Rinse the Blood Off My Toga” is priceless. If you take the Ides of March seriously, you might rather view the classic encounter between Julius Caesar and the fateful seer on the day Caesar was betrayed. Here is the timeless scene as re-created…

Valentine’s Wishes – from the Prez

Here are some of By George’s favourite Valentine wishes from President Donald Trump. Have a huuuge day! . (ed. – Right click on the image and “copy”. Go ahead and spread the love today!)    Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.  

Zen Teachings (not)

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any. No one is listening until you fart. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. Before you criticize someone, you…