Tagged office humour

A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England ‘s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7). For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant….. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.…

The Dead Horse Theory

This theory is sometimes referred to as “Government’s Political Correctness.” Here’s the predicament:   The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount, then get another horse.” However, in Government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as: buying a stronger whip changing riders appointing a committee to study the horse arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included reclassifying the dead horse…

Identifying “Governmentium”

A research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science.  The new element has been tentatively named “Governmentium “. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.   These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.   Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to…

It’s the Ides of March – Enjoy

For your morning smile today, here’s Canadian content that will help to celebrate the Ides of March. Our infamous comedy team of Canucks, John Wayne and Frank Shuster, did a memorable skit of the assassination of Julius Caesar, in which Caesar’s wife keeps screeching “I told him, Julie, don’t go!” Even dated some three decades and more, “Rinse the Blood Off My Toga” is priceless. If you take the Ides of March seriously, you might rather view the classic encounter between Julius Caesar and the fateful seer on the day Caesar was betrayed. Here is the timeless scene as re-created…

Valentine’s Wishes – from the Prez

Here are some of By George’s favourite Valentine wishes from President Donald Trump. Have a huuuge day! . (ed. – Right click on the image and “copy”. Go ahead and spread the love today!)    Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.  

Zen Teachings (not)

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any. No one is listening until you fart. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. Before you criticize someone, you…

The Moral of the Farmer’s Donkey

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer…

Skillfully Done

Here’s an illustrious powerplay if ever there was one. Follow closely…   DAD: Son, you have to get married. I have a girl for you. SON: Not possible!! I don’t want to marry. DAD: Think twice son. She is Bill Gates’ daughter! SON: Ok Dad, I am ready!   (Dad goes to Bill Gate)   DAD: My son wants to marry your daughter! BILL GATES: Not possible! DAD: Think twice, my son is the CEO of Swiss Bank. BILL GATES: Well, she’s ready!   (Dad goes to Swiss Bank Bank)   DAD: Make my son the CEO of your Bank!…

Borowitz on a Friday morning!

Andy Borowitz is a New York Times best-selling author and a comedian who writes in The Borowitz Report in The New Yorker. These two priceless Borowitz columns first appeared in The New Yorker…   Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.   The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to…

Things we can learn from a dog

  Never pretend to be something you’re not. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. Run, romp and play daily. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Take naps and always stretch before rising. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. No…