Tag Archives: joke

Heart Attack

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.

The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.

“Sadly,” he said, “I’m afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, Dear God!” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.  “We’ve never had a Liberal in the family before!”

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

The Earliest Tale of Forecasting

Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. 

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King, the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area.”

The King was polite and considerate, and he replied, “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. 

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So, the King hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work government’s highest and most influential positions.

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Teaching Politics 101

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very Liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favour of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”

She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.  That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That’s a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I’ve worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Conservative side of the fence.”

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Rats

A tourist walked into a curio shop in Toronto. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it.  He took it to the owner: “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story,” said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster.

Within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown into the hundreds, and they began squealing. As he began to trot toward Lake Ontario, he looked around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him, faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the lakeshore, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the lake as he could.  Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into Lake Ontario after it, and were all drowned. 

The man walked back to the curio shop. “Ah ha,” said the owner, “you have come back for the story?”

“No,” said the man.  “I came back to see if you have a bronze Liberal bust.”

 .

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

The Haircut

When campaigning along the streets of Toronto, Justin Trudeau ducked into a barber shop and asked the barber, “How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will the haircut look?”

The barber replied, “Just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous.”

An hour and fifteen minutes later Trudeau looked into the mirror in horror and the barber handed him a bill for $200.

Trudeau gasped, “You took too long, it doesn’t look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!”

The barber smiled and replied, “That makes us even.”

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

 

#LOL #Humpday Memes

Here are six humourous memes to share and help get your friends and colleagues over the hump of the week! (Right click and save to your computer for use in emails and social media platforms.) Happy Wednesday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

And, here is a bonus image to forward to those who may be holding on by a thread and may need a little extra boost!

 

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

You know you’re an avid hockey fan if…

  • You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.
  • All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.
  • Your idea of serving breakfast is giving each of your kids a fork and dropping an Eggo in the middle of the table.
  • You punish your kids with “minors,” “majors,” and “misconducts.”
  • You think the Canadian National Anthem is the theme from “Hockey Night in Canada.”
  • Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.
  • You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a “pilgrimage.”
  • You went into a bank because it advertised “Free Checking”….and walked out disappointed.
  • You’re not allowed to play chess simply because the first time you played, you misunderstood the meaning of the word “Check.”
  • When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and chant, “He shoots!  He scores!”
  • Your cure for everything is a couple extra-strength aspirin and a shot of Novocain.
  • You can pronounce anything in French, yet you have no idea what it means.
  • You can say “Khabibulin,” “Tkachuk,” “Jagr,” “Leschyshyn” and “Nikolishin” without getting tongue-tied.
  • Every time you see the name “Roy” you automatically pronounce it “Wah.”
  • Your closet is divided into 2 sections:  HOME and AWAY
  • Everything in your wardrobe is your team’s colors.
  • When someone says, “two minutes” you respond, “What for!?!”
  • You bake biscuits – burn them black – in dimensions of 3″ by 1.”
  • You own a Zamboni and keep it in the garage while your main car stays in the driveway.
  • You think the proper way to spell the plural of “leaf” is “leafs.”
  • When someone refers to “The Classics,” you think they’re talking about the Original Six.
  • You consider the Forum in Montreal a place of worship.
  • Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.
  • Your calendar only runs from October to June.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

American Know-How

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the “Rowing Team Quality First Program”, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.

There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Thanksgiving gaffaws (at the expense of the turkey)

  • Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
  • What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?  If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy.
  • Our turkey was sick. All day long it had a thermometer in it.
  • Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off.
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck himself!
  • Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?  Because they never learned good table manners!
  • What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, hubble, hubble.
  • Using a new recipe, my wife put the turkey in aluminum foil. She had to roast it until it was brown. Twenty-four hours later, the aluminum foil was still silver.
  • Every year around Thanksgiving and Christmas you see such helpful articles on “How To Carve A Turkey”.  And, they’re really practical.  Now, if I can only find a butcher who sells those turkeys with the dotted lines on them.
  • Why are the cranberries red? Because they saw the turkey dressing!
  • A man went to get a turkey from a live poultry farm. “Do you have any turkeys going cheap?” he asked. “Nope,” said the owner. “All our turkey go ‘gobble, gobble, gobble.'”
  • Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Timothy wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Have a happy Thanksgiving all! Gobble, gobble!

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Explaining Politics

MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM, “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.”

HE SAID, “NO.”

I TOLD HIM, “SHE IS BILL GATES’ DAUGHTER.”

HE SAID, “YES.”

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON.”

BILL GATES SAID, “NO.”

I TOLD BILL GATES, “MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK.”

BILL GATES SAID, “OK.”

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.

HE SAID, “NO.”

I TOLD HIM, “MY SON IS BILL GATES’ SON-IN-LAW.”

HE SAID, “OK.”

 

AND THAT’S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

 

(Thanks to our friend Dick Inwood who sent this wonderful laugh to us this morning! – cg) 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Murphy’s (other) 15 Laws

  1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest
  4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night
  5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
  7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
  10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
  12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
  13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
  14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Ponder-isms for a Monday morning

1·      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3·        Life is sexually transmitted.

4·      Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5·        The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6·        Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8·     Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9·        All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10·      In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11·        How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12·      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’

13·      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14·      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15·      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16·        If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17·      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18·      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19·        Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20·     Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

(ed. – Thank you to our friend Dick Inwood for providing this diversion. These are also great questions to ask on humpday, to help you get through, or on a Friday afternoon when you are watching the clock.)

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

It’s “the epic” collection of political jokes and quotes

Here is “the epic” collection of political jokes from the campaign trail.

With just two weeks left in the Ontario election, By George is re-publishing its political jokes and quotes book with many more jokes and feature sections.

This 150-page e-book is bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. The collection has some of the absolute best classics. It also has a selection of the most humourist and provocative memes culled from Facebook and Twitter.

Epic Political Jokes & Quotes will put a smile on your face, one page after another. For many, it is a sure tonic for surviving the final days of this bitter Ontario campaign. For politicos, this is a great resource that you can pull material from for your next Party event.

Order your e-copy of  Epic Political Jokes & Quotes from the By George E-Bookshelf

Enjoy the read and laugh all the way to the polls!

 

Identifying “Governmentium”

A research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science.  The new element has been tentatively named “Governmentium “. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

 

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

 

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

 

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.  The hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass.”

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

10 comments sure to turn heads in your office

  1. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  2. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  3. Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  4. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  5. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  6. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  It appears your desk is a work station.
  7. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  8. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  9. Okay, whatever. I’ve learned never to argue with an idiot.  He’ll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  10. I thought you wanted a career, turns out you just wanted pay checks.

 

(ed. – To clarify, this column is meant to be humourist and it is not advisable to actually utter these phrases to your co-workers – especially to superiors. Use at your own risk.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Jokes of the Irish and their drinking

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver,  “where have ya been?”

” Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite  a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” say’s the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d lost me hearing!”

 

 

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks.  “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. “there was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, Brenda… No. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

 

 

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout.  He didn’t like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style.  He didn’t like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

 

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin’,

there’s no paper on this side either!”

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Dead Horse Theory

dead-horseThis theory is sometimes referred to as “Government’s Political Correctness.” Here’s the predicament:

 

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount, then get another horse.” However, in Government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

  • buying a stronger whip
  • changing riders
  • appointing a committee to study the horse
  • arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses
  • lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included
  • reclassifying the dead horse as “Living-impaired”
  • hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse
  • harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed
  • providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance
  • doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance
  • declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses
  • rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses
  • (and, the choicest strategy) promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Government officials will also look to the root causes of the predicament before taking any action, i.e. what kind of parents it had, the horse’s colour, his socioeconomic background, perhaps the horse was bullied, or his mother was single, etc.

It is no wonder that, for some time now, government workers’ saddest refrain has been: It’s been so lonely in the saddle since my horse died…

.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

You might be Canadian if…

You might be Canadian if:

  • You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
  • You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan”
  • Your municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
  • You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.
  • You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don’t miss Hockey Night.
  • You substitute beer for water when cooking.
  • You pity people who haven’t tasted a “beavertail”.
  • You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
  • You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  • You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
  • You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
  • You know which leaves make for good toilet paper.
  • You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
  • The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.


Short jokes re: Canada

Q: What do you call a sophisticated American?/ A: Canadian.

Q: What are the two seasons of weather in Canada? / A: Six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? / A: “Sorry”

Q: How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians? / A: “Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?”

Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Canadian?/ A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.

Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?/ A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Q: Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk?/ A: The cow fell on him.

Q: Why did the Canadian cross the road? / A: He saw some American do it on TV.

Q: How do you know when a Canadian is going on a date? / A: The entire dog team has had a bath.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? / A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn’t translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

 

 

BONUS JOKE:  A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.  His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob.
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”

 

 

BONUS JOKE #2:  An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said the one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”

 

 

BONUS JOKE #3:  In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a fat lady. During the trip the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought – “That American idiot wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.”

The fat lady thought – “This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.”

The American thought – “That crazy Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.”

The Canadian thought – “I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again.”

Go ahead and laugh your way through the holiday weekend… Happy Canada Day!

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.