Tag Archives: puns

Punster Dick Inwood – thank you!

Our favourite punster is a long time friend of ours, Dick Inwood. He is always on our minds around the By George office when we see clever play on words.

Recently he sent us a meme with what he entitled: “Perhaps the worst pun ever.”

Agree?

Worst pun ever

 

As Fred Allen once said, “Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.”

Our many thanks Dick. Keep ’em coming!

 

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Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

2 dozen great puns

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

(ed. – Thank you to Dick Inwood – a very punny man! And for more puns, here are some archived posts to groan at.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

A frightfully punny Halloween Story

     Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe….as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

     Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.

     Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

     “I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!”

     Bob brings his wife in and an older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

     With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

     After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

     The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

     Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

     Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:  “Master, Master!…..”

     “The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

(Thank you Dick Inwood for this gruesome pun – first posted October 28, 2010.)

Wondering whether you are going door-to-door tonight?  Here are the “Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating” : https://www.bygeorgejournal.ca/?p=1267

Punny stuff

    

Admittedly, at By George, we are huge fans of punny material. So, we wish to convey are appreciation to our friend Dick Inwood of Ottawa, who recently sent us e-mails with streams of puns and turn-of-phrases. Thanks Dick!

  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
  • Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
  • Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  • When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
  • A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
  • She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
  • Every calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted – Taint yours and taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  • Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

 

A great Halloween story to recount

 

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe….as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

 

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.

 

Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

 

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!”

 

Bob brings his wife in and an older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

 

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

 

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

 

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

 

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

 

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:  “Master, Master!…..”

 

“The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

 

(Thank you Dick Inwood for this truly gruesome pun!)