6 punny “shaggy dog” stories

1) Quasimodo

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, “You have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!”

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

 

 

2) After Quasimodo

(But wait, there’s more…) The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened?” the first breathlessly asked, “Who is this man?” “I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.

 

 

3) On a tiny island…

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.  Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

 

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe’s elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

 

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

 

Soon, the king’s tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

 

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

 

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: “People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.”

 

 

4) Ollie and Sam

Ollie Oyster and Sam Clam were best friends. They grew up together, went to school together, and even played in a rock band together. One day they had a horrible car accident, and both died.

Ollie had lived a good life, and went to heaven. Sam went to the other place.

Ollie wanted to play in a rock band again, just like before he died. But the only instrument allowed in heaven was the harp. He was a little sad about it, but learned to play the harp anyway, and became pretty good about it.

But Ollie Oyster missed his good friend Sam Clam. One day he asked God if he could visit Sam. God said “Well, we dont normally do that kind of thing. But you were a very good oyster, so I can make a small exception. I’ll let you visit Sam for one day. But the catch is, you have to take your harp with you. They dont have harps in hell, so when you want to get back into heaven just come to the front gate and play your harp, and we’ll know its you and let you in.”

Ollie was overjoyed, grabbed his harp, and went to visit his old friend.

Ollie found Sam, and they soon caught up on old times. Musical instruments of all kinds were allowed in hell, and Sam had formed a band, made a lot of money, and eventually opened his own disco. The two friends partied the night away in Sam’s disco, talking about old times, drinking heavily, and having a great time.

Finally, Ollie realized that time had gotten away from him, and he had only minutes to get back to heaven. He rushed out of the disco, leaving his harp behind.

He made it to the front gates of heaven, and pounded on the door. St Peter peeked out, and said “God told me you would be coming back, but I cant let you in until I hear you play your harp!”

Ollie cried “Oh No! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco!”

 

 

5) There was this chief…

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

 

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

 

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

 

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

 

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

 

“Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?”

 

The warrior answered, “It’s elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”

 

 

6) The Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

 

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

 

He responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

25 Funniest Puns Ever

  1. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket!
  2. eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
  3. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  4. I’ve just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a rap.
  5. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn’t matter; none of them work.
  6. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  7. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  8. I hate insects puns; they really bug me.
  9. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.
  10. How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  11. I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
  12. Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in France? De-brie was everywhere…
  13. I’m glad I know sign language; it’s pretty handy.
  14. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  15. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
  16. It’s really hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac. They always take things literally.
  17. I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
  18. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
  19. My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
  20. What’s the worst thing about ancient orators? They tend to Babylon.
  21. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
  22. I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na…
  23. A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
  24. A pet store had a bird contest, no perches necessary.
  25. I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself, this is the last thing I need.

SOURCE:  From List 25 ~ https://list25.com/25-funniest-puns-ever/

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Puns! (send us your favourite)

  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  • She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization
  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  • Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  • There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

(These great puns are courtesy of Dick Inwood.  If you have a favourite pun or punny piece, we would love to receive and share it with our readership! Send your puns to cgacomm@gmail.com – or simply comment on this post.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

An unemployable bloke’s lament

This punny story is found in our very own By George Treasury:

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned . . . couldn’t concentrate.  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.  Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.  I attempted to be a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

 

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.  I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.  Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.  I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.  I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.  So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

 

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as an historian, until I realized there was no future in it.  My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.  So, I recently retired and I found I’m perfect for the job!

 

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

6 more punny memes

Here are 6 punny memes recently shared with By George… enjoy.

Send us your favourite punny memes and we will attempt to get as many posted in our Twitter feed @ByGeorgeJournal. We will also pick a dozen puns to feature here in the Journal on May 1st.

Email us your puns at cgacomm@gmail.com

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.