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Dear Friend, <\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 As we progress into 2020, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. <\/span>I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. <\/span>I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat dung in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ALSO, now I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. \u00a0<\/span>I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. <\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 So, now, if you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, <\/span>a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because I was told in an email that it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician!<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, and by the way… a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. (Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late!)<\/span><\/p>\n Yours Truly, <\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n P. S. – I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n (ed. – Thanks to our friend Dick Inwood for sharing this laugh!)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n