\u201cOnly Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.\u201d – Alex Levine<\/p>\n
\u201cI had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’\u201d – Eleanor Roosevelt<\/p>\n
\u201cLast week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.\u201d – Mark Twain<\/p>\n
\u201cThe secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.\u201d – George Burns<\/p>\n
\u201cSanta Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.\u201d – Victor Borge<\/p>\n
\u201cBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.\u201d – Mark Twain<\/p>\n
\u201cBy all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.\u201d – Socrates<\/p>\n
\u201cI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.\u201d – Groucho Marx<\/p>\n
\u201cMy wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.\u201d – Jimmy Durante<\/p>\n
\u201cI have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.\u201d – Zsa Zsa Gabor<\/p>\n
\u201cMy luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.\u201d – Rodney Dangerfield<\/p>\n
\u201cMoney can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.\u201d – Spike Milligan<\/p>\n
\u201cI never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.\u201d – W. C. Fields<\/p>\n
\u201cUntil I was thirteen, I thought my name was\u00a0SHUT UP.\u201d – Joe Namath<\/p>\n
\u201cI don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.\u201d – Bob Hope<\/p>\n
\u201cDon’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.\u201d – Winston Churchill<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe it’s true that life begins at fifty.\u00a0 But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.\u201d – Phyllis Diller<\/p>\n
\u201cWe could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.\u201d – Will Rogers<\/p>\n
\u201cBy the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.\u201d – Billy Crystal<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n