I have sat through this scene before
Witness to my past and forever future
I didn’t move then – and am not about to now
I simply lack the will to change
I need to find my balance — and then set it off kilter
At the core of every scene has been a troubled soul
There needs to be a yearning to uncover, explain, fight, expose
— and I have none of that.
What do I yearn for in my comfortable surroundings?
So, life becomes like a death spiral of personal depreciation –
It is the quiet moments, early in the morning,
When you’ve just woken from your dreams –
And you realize that it is another day.
Aching, stifling anxiety
Permanently reflecting on what can be
What could have been, what should be
Rendering one’s self worthless
An eunuch of what once was…
I long for nothing more than to look into the mirror of my soul
and to say again, “I know that man, and I respect him for his action.”
and yet, these are nothing but the idle thoughts of middle age
that take interesting men and thrust mediocrity upon them
From the collection entitled “At 42”