Tag Archives: Epic

The Prize Rooster (and your vote)

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pullet surprise.”

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

(Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.)

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Rats

A tourist walked into a curio shop in Toronto. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner: “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story,” said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster.

Within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown into the hundreds, and they began squealing. As he began to trot toward Lake Ontario, he looked around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him, faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the lakeshore, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the lake as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into Lake Ontario after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. “Ah ha,” said the owner, “you have come back for the story?”

“No,” said the man. “I came back to see if you have a bronze Liberal bust.”

.

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Dead Horse Theory of Bureaucracy

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, in the Canadian Government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that because the dead horse doesn’t have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and, therefore, contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course…

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

“The Epic” Political Jokes & Quotes Book

Here is “the epic” collection of political jokes from the campaign trail.

By George is re-publishing its political jokes and quotes book with many more jokes and feature sections so that we can laugh all the way through the nightly news.

This 150-page-plus e-book is bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. The collection has some of the absolute best classics. It also has a selection of the most humourist and provocative memes culled from Facebook and Twitter.

Epic Political Jokes & Quotes will put a smile on your face, one page after another. For many, it is a sure tonic for surviving the heighten rhetoric of our political leaders. For politicos, this is a great resource that you can pull material from for your next Party event.

Order your e-copy of Epic Political Jokes & Quotes from the By George E-Bookshelf

The e-copy is sent as a pdf, suitable to open on your mobile device or lap-top, and easily downloaded to enjoy on your Kindle Reader.

Liberals in Hell

While walking down the street one day, a Liberal politician was tragically hit by a truck and died. His soul arrived in heaven and was met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” said the Liberal.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” said the Liberal politician.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And, with that, St. Peter escorts the Liberal to the elevator and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance was a club and standing in front of it were all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone was very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster and caviar. Also present was the Devil (like him, a Liberal), who really was a very friendly guy who had a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They were having such a good time that, before he realized it, it was time to go. Everyone gave him a big hug and waved while he entered the elevator. The elevator went up, up, up and the door reopened on Heaven where St. Peter was waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit Heaven,” said St. Peter. The Liberal politician joined a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realized it, the 24 hours were gone by and St. Peter returned.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity,” said St. Peter.

After barely a minute of reflection, the Liberal politician answered: “Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven was delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted the politician to the elevator and he went down to Hell. Then the doors of the elevator opened and suddenly he found himself in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He saw all of his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil came over to the Liberal and laid an arm on his neck.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the Liberal politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at him, smiled, and said, “But yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Why did the chicken cross the road? (American Version)

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road, therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

RALPH NADER: The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I’ve not been told!

MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

If You Were Prime Minister

I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of Canada one day.

Both of her parents, Liberal supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed, and said, “Welcome to the Liberal Party of Canada!”

“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I told her. I continued, “But you don’t have to wait until you’re Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $50?”

I smiled and said, “Welcome to the Conservative Party.”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

The Post Turtle

At a stop in Regina, a CBC reporter scanned the crowd of a Liberal rally for a possible interview. She decided to speak with an older farmer who was observing the events with some amusement. They spoke about Leader Justin Trudeau and the possibility of him being back in 24 Sussex in a matter of weeks.

The old gentleman said, “Well, ya know, Trudeau is a ‘post turtle.’”

Not comprehending what the old man meant, the reporter asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. He said, “When you’re driving down a prairie dirt road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle.’”

The farmer saw a puzzled look on the reporter’s face so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do next, and you just want to help the poor bastard get down.”

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

First Grade Lesson in Politics

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a Liberal. She asked her students to raise their hands if they were Liberals too. Not really knowing what a Liberal was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy did not go along with the crowd. The teacher asked her why she decided to be different and she said, “Because I’m not a Liberal.”

Then, asked the teacher, what are you? “Why I’m a proud Conservative,” boasted the little girl.

The teacher was a little perturbed, her face slightly red. She asked Lucy why she was a Conservative.

“Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are Conservatives and I am a Conservative too.”

The teacher was angry. “That’s no reason,” she said loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

Lucy paused and smiled. “Then,” said Lucy, “I’d be a Liberal.”

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Five Best Sentences in Politics

You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.
What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they worked for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

The Elderly Priest

An elderly Canadian priest lay on his death bed.

He sent a message for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and the federal Finance Minister Bill Morneau to come to the hospital. When they arrived they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both Justin Trudeau and Bill Morneau were touched and flattered that this elderly priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments. However, the Liberals were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked, or even knew, either one of them.

Finally, Justin Trudeau asked, “Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”

The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves and that’s how I’d like to go.”

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Go figure…

Curtis and Leroy saw an ad in the Kitchener Record and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry fellers, I have some bad news; the mule died last night.”

Curtis and Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that, I went and spent it already.”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis and Leroy at the Co-Op Grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer $2 apiece and made a profit of $898.”

The farmer asked, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So, we gave him his $2 back.”

Well, word got out and Curtis and Leroy now work for the federal government. They’re overseeing the establishment of Trudeau’s Carbon Tax.

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Pet Parrot

During a lull between speeches at the recent Liberal convention, Sophie Grégeiore-Trudeau leaned over to chat with the PMs Chief of Staff Gerald Butts.

“You know, I bought Justin a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Justin has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!”

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” said Butts, “but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, he doesn’t really understand what they mean.”

“Oh, I know,” replied Sophie, “neither does the parrot.”

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Three Contractors and the Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence on Parliament Hill. One is from Ottawa, another is from Toronto, and the third is from Montreal. All three go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Ottawa contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he said, “I figure the job will run about $900 ($400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me).”

The Toronto contractor also did some measuring and figuring, then said, “I can do this job for $700 ($300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me).”

The Montreal contractor didn’t measure or figure, but leaned over to the government official and whispered, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Montreal contractor whispered back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replied the government official.

And that is how our government procurement works.

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Heart Attack

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.

The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.

“Sadly,” he said, “I’m afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, Dear God!” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. “We’ve never had a Liberal in the family before!”

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

The Earliest Tale of Forecasting

Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King, the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area.”

The King was polite and considerate, and he replied, “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So, the King hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work government’s highest and most influential positions.

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Teaching Politics 101

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very Liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favour of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”

She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That’s a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I’ve worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Conservative side of the fence.”

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

The Haircut

When campaigning along the streets of Toronto, Justin Trudeau ducked into a barber shop and asked the barber, “How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will the haircut look?”

The barber replied, “Just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous.”

An hour and fifteen minutes later Trudeau looked into the mirror in horror and the barber handed him a bill for $200.

Trudeau gasped, “You took too long, it doesn’t look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!”

The barber smiled and replied, “That makes us even.”

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.