A dozen questions for a Monday morning

  1. Why can’t women put on mascara and men shave with their mouth closed?
  2. Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?
  3. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  4. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  5. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  6. Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
  7. Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
  8. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  9. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
  10. Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
  11. Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cosmetics at the front?
  12. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

(ed. Our thanks to our friend Dick Inwood, who keeps us amused with his trickle of humourous e-mails.)

“THE Q&A” for our digital age

If there was one question and answer that sums up just how strange our world is in our day and digital age, it is the following:

Q: If someone from the 1950s

suddenly appeared today,

what would be the most

difficult thing to explain to

them about life today?

.

A: I possess a device

in my pocket that is capable

of accessing the entirety of

information known to man.

I use it to look at pictures

of cats and get in arguments

with strangers.

.

This Q&A originally was found on Reddit (apparently).

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Ponder-isms for a Monday morning

1·      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3·        Life is sexually transmitted.

4·      Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5·        The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6·        Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8·     Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9·        All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10·      In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11·        How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12·      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’

13·      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14·      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15·      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16·        If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17·      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18·      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19·        Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20·     Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

(ed. – Thank you to our friend Dick Inwood for providing this diversion. These are also great questions to ask on humpday, to help you get through, or on a Friday afternoon when you are watching the clock.)

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Proverbs for Today’s Crazy World

  • Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  • Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  • Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • If you are too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
  • Going to church does not make you a Christian, any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
  • Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he will be a mile away – and barefoot.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
  • If you choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Always yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
  • Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

(ed. – This is a repost, originally appearing in By George Journal in October 2009.)

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

10 Rules for a Modern-Day Skeptic

Here is a tongue-in-cheek list of rules for those who wish to maintain a skeptical outlook.

  1. Do not let what you think get in the way of what you see.
  2. Do not let what you see determine what you think, for appearances are deceptive.
  3. Be omnivorous in your tastes.
  4. The only way to see something whole is from several points of view.
  5. The closer you come to reality the more it is a mystery, and the more unimaginable it is that you or anything else exists.
  6. The only truth is in scrupulous satisfaction over time.
  7. Develop principles that you are willing to abandon, but not easily.
  8. When anything is too sacred to joke about, the cause is fear.
  9. If you are skeptical of faith and reason, what is left as a basis for decision? Everything, so long as you are prepared to be wrong.
  10. Death is the sunlight that makes all things visible.

(ed. – This is a repost, originally appearing in By George Journal in April 2010.)

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.