Tag Archives: office humour

The Spoon: following a consultant’s advice

Here’s a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired ABC Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 minutes per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me , but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant.  That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our “you know what”, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.”

“After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

 

(ed. – This originally appeared in the By George Journal in October 2009.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Classic Work Parables from the Animal Kingdom

The Eagle and the Rabbit – and the Fox

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Business lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

The Turkey and the Bull – and the Farmer

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree”, sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.” They’re packed with nutrients.” So,  the turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Business lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

 

The Cow and the Bird – and the Cat

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and quickly dug him out and ate him.

Business lessons:  (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.  (3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

10 Rules for a Modern-Day Skeptic

Here is a tongue-in-cheek list of rules for those who wish to maintain a skeptical outlook.

  1. Do not let what you think get in the way of what you see.
  2. Do not let what you see determine what you think, for appearances are deceptive.
  3. Be omnivorous in your tastes.
  4. The only way to see something whole is from several points of view.
  5. The closer you come to reality the more it is a mystery, and the more unimaginable it is that you or anything else exists.
  6. The only truth is in scrupulous satisfaction over time.
  7. Develop principles that you are willing to abandon, but not easily.
  8. When anything is too sacred to joke about, the cause is fear.
  9. If you are skeptical of faith and reason, what is left as a basis for decision? Everything, so long as you are prepared to be wrong.
  10. Death is the sunlight that makes all things visible.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

An unemployable bloke’s lament

This punny story is found in our very own By George Treasury:

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned . . . couldn’t concentrate.  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.  Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.  I attempted to be a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.  I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.  Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.  I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.  I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.  So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as an historian, until I realized there was no future in it.  My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.  So, I recently retired and I found I’m perfect for the job!

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

Of monkeys and the village (a costly lesson)

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each.  This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.  In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

(Now you have a better understanding of how stockbrokers work.)

.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Educational E-mails (that’ll drive you around the bend)

Dear Friend,

     As we progress into 2020, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

     I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat dung in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 

     ALSO, now I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.  I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

     Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

     So, now, if you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because I was told in an email that it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician!

     Oh, and by the way… a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. (Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late!)

Yours Truly,

 

P. S. – I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

(ed. – Thanks to our friend Dick Inwood for sharing this laugh!) 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

A dozen questions for a Monday morning

  1. Why can’t women put on mascara and men shave with their mouth closed?
  2. Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?
  3. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  4. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  5. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  6. Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
  7. Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
  8. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  9. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
  10. Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
  11. Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cosmetics at the front?
  12. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

(ed. Our thanks to our friend Dick Inwood, who keeps us amused with his trickle of humourous e-mails.)

Top 10 Signs You are “Hockey-Crazy”

10 – You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a “pilgrimage.”

9 – Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.

8 – You can say “Khabibulin,” “Tkachuk,” “Jagr,” “Leschyshyn” and “Nikolishin” without getting tongue-tied.

7 – You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.

6 – You bake biscuits – burn them black – in dimensions of 3″ by 1.”

5 – Your closet is divided into 2 sections:  HOME and AWAY

4 – When someone says, “two minutes” you respond, “What for!?!”

3 – Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.

2 – All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.

 

And the # 1 sign that you are Hockey-Crazy is:

When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and chant, “He shoots!  He scores!”

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

“THE Q&A” for our digital age

If there was one question and answer that sums up just how strange our world is in our day and digital age, it is the following:

Q: If someone from the 1950s

suddenly appeared today,

what would be the most

difficult thing to explain to

them about life today?

.

A: I possess a device

in my pocket that is capable

of accessing the entirety of

information known to man.

I use it to look at pictures

of cats and get in arguments

with strangers.

.

This Q&A originally was found on Reddit (apparently).

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Ponder-isms for a Monday morning

1·      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3·        Life is sexually transmitted.

4·      Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5·        The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6·        Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8·     Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9·        All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10·      In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11·        How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12·      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?’

13·      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14·      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15·      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16·        If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17·      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18·      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19·        Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20·     Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

(ed. – Thank you to our friend Dick Inwood for providing this diversion. These are also great questions to ask on humpday, to help you get through, or on a Friday afternoon when you are watching the clock.)

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Proverbs for Today’s Crazy World

  • Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  • Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  • Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • If you are too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
  • Going to church does not make you a Christian, any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
  • Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he will be a mile away – and barefoot.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
  • If you choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • Always yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
  • Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

(ed. – This is a repost, originally appearing in By George Journal in October 2009.)

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Office Quips

  • Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.
  • Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out.
  • There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
  • When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
  • A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
  • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
  • An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
  • If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
  • Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
  • They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.
  • It’s a 5 o’clock dictum: Never do today what you can put off to tomorrow. And never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Mind-Numbing (Friday afternoon) Quiz

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Here is By George’s TGIF-Friday-afternoon quiz to determine whether the work week has knocked your mind sideways. Let us know how you scored…

 

  1. Johnny’s mother had three children.  The first child was named April.  The second child was named May.  What was the third child’s name?

 

  1. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.  What does he weigh?

 

  1. Before Mt. Everest was discovered…what was the highest mountain in the world?

 

  1. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

 

  1. What word in the English Language …is always spelled incorrectly?

 

  1. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.  How is this possible?

 

  1. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.  Why not?

 

  1. What was the U.S. President’s name in 1975?

 

  1. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

 

  1. Which is correct to say:  “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

 

Here’s a bonus question…

 

  1. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

 

Answers can be found in the By George comments section below.

 

(ed. – Complete the quiz – and don’t peek. Then tell us what you got – honestly. Anything under 5/10 and you deserve to leave the office immediately and start the weekend!)

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Obituary for Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

– Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
– Why the early bird gets the worm;
– Life isn’t always fair;
– And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot and she spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
– I Know My Rights
– I Want It Now
– Someone Else Is To Blame
– I’m A Victim
– Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.  If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Identifying “Governmentium”

A research institution announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science.  The new element has been tentatively named “Governmentium “. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

 

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

 

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

 

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.  The hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass.”

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Daily Affirmations for the Office

  • In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
  • I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
  • I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
  • I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  • I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
  • As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
  • When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
  • Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
  • My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
  • I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
  • I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
  • Joan of Arc heard voices too.
  • Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
  • I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
  • Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
  • A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
  • I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
  • False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
  • I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  • The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

 

(ed. – This humour is a repost, originally appearing in By George Journal in October 2009.)

 

One Person's Craziness

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

10 comments sure to turn heads in your office

  1. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  2. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  3. Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  4. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  5. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  6. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  It appears your desk is a work station.
  7. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  8. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  9. Okay, whatever. I’ve learned never to argue with an idiot.  He’ll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  10. I thought you wanted a career, turns out you just wanted pay checks.

 

(ed. – To clarify, this column is meant to be humourist and it is not advisable to actually utter these phrases to your co-workers – especially to superiors. Use at your own risk.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Really, there’s nothing like a good pun

A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from….

Finally, it dawned on him.

PUNS – we swear they make the world spin counter-clockwise. We absolutely love to hear that groan…. Here are three that will have your colleagues and friends looking sideways.

#1 – A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, the biologist was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

#2 – An Inuit out hunting seals in his boat found that his feet were beginning to freeze. Carefully shaving off little strips of wood from the frame he was able to get enough fuel to start a small fire by his feet. Unfortunately the hide covering of the boat caught on fire as well and his entire craft was consumed by flames. This goes to prove that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

#3 – A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

 

(ed. – Have you heard a good pun lately? Pass it on!)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

 

A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England ‘s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7). For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant…..

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility.

The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.

The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars…… and no one even knows his name.

(ed. – This news story was from the London Times – sent to us by our friend in Ottawa, Dick Inwood. Of course, it got us thinking of making an easy buck and retiring… )

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Dead Horse Theory

dead-horseThis theory is sometimes referred to as “Government’s Political Correctness.” Here’s the predicament:

 

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount, then get another horse.” However, in Government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

  • buying a stronger whip
  • changing riders
  • appointing a committee to study the horse
  • arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses
  • lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included
  • reclassifying the dead horse as “Living-impaired”
  • hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse
  • harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed
  • providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance
  • doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance
  • declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses
  • rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses
  • (and, the choicest strategy) promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Government officials will also look to the root causes of the predicament before taking any action, i.e. what kind of parents it had, the horse’s colour, his socioeconomic background, perhaps the horse was bullied, or his mother was single, etc.

It is no wonder that, for some time now, government workers’ saddest refrain has been: It’s been so lonely in the saddle since my horse died…

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Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.