Q: What’s the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?
A: The pavement.
Q: What do you get if you cross a bike and a flower?
A: Bicycle petals!
Q: What do you call a professional cyclist who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A cyclist lying on his deathbed asked his best friend to do him a favour when he’d gone. “Anything,” replied his friend.
“Just don’t let my wife sell my bikes for what I told her I paid for them,” he begged.
My friend rode into a tree the other day racing round his back garden. Thankfully he was able to continue, his bark was worse than his bike.
The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Along comes a man who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking his horn and shouting at me. “PIG! PIG!!” he yelled. “PIG! PIG!!”
So I flipped him the finger and, as I buzzed by him, shouted back some things I dare not repeat. Still fuming about this awful man and his shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig.
I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn’t believe me…
Until I rode pasta.
Q: What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Q: Why did the bicycle go to the psychiatrist?
A: It had cycle logical problems
Q: What do you call an artist who sculpts with bicycle parts?
Since things turned sour with my wife a fortnight ago, I’ve taken to riding 50 miles a day to clear my head. I’m now 700 miles from home and feeling much happier.
I used to pray every night for a bicycle. Then I realized the Lord doesn’t work like that. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
A pedestrian steps off the curb and into the road without looking and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist. “You were really lucky there,” says the cyclist. “What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!” says the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head. The cyclist replies, “Well, usually I drive a bus!”
[Warning… there are two Dad jokes in a row.]
Q: What does a bicycle call its dad?
Q: My dad works for a company that makes bicycle wheels….
A: He’s the spokesman.
A tandem rider is stopped by the police. “What have I done wrong?” says the rider. “Perhaps you didn’t notice, sir, but your wife fell off half a mile back”. “Thank god for that,” says the rider. “I thought I’d gone deaf”.
Jack and Jill have just climbed a steep hill on their tandem. “Phew, that was a tough climb,” said Jill, leaning over, breathing hard. “That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it.” Replied Jack: “Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on or we’d have slid all the way back down!”
Your a Cycling Addict If
- You hear someone had a crash and your first question is “How’s the bike?”
- You empathize with the roadkill.
- A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.
- You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
- You have more bike jerseys than dress shirts.
- Your bike has more miles on it then your car’s odometer.
- You use wax on your chain, but not on your car.
- You take your bike along when you shop for a car – just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
- You buy a mini-van and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bikes to fit.
I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike’s basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.
A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. “What’s in the bags?” asked the guard. “Sand,” the cyclist replied. “Get them off. We need to take a look.” The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city. “Hey, where have you been?” the guard asked. “You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won’t say a word. What was it?” The man smiled and told him the truth. “Bicycles!”
I made a bicycle out of scrapbooking supplies. It’s a stationery bike.
Q: How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner?
A: Start with two million.
I recently bought a bicycle that plays American music when you ride it. It’s called a Gerschwinn.
There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what – regardless of rain, snow, or thunder. One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home. He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: “The weather is terrible outside.” Half awake the wife replies: “And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle.”
“I’ve really had it with my dog,” says a guy to his neighbour. “He’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”
“Hmmm, that is a problem,” says the neighbour. “What are you going to do about it?”
“Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!”
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Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. And yes, Chris also would rather be cycling… #bikealmonte