Why did the chicken cross the road? (American Version)

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road, therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

RALPH NADER: The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I’ve not been told!

MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

 

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it hereOrder your copy here.

10 pieces of advice to remember in this crazy world

1. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. We get slapped on our butts. Then things get worse.
2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead; do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either; just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
3. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
4. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
5. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
6. A closed mouth gathers no foot. So, never miss a good chance to shut up.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
10. Always remember you’re unique – just like everyone else.

 

 

A dozen questions for a Monday morning

  1. Why can’t women put on mascara and men shave with their mouth closed?
  2. Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?
  3. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  4. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  5. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  6. Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
  7. Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
  8. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  9. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
  10. Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
  11. Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cosmetics at the front?
  12. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

(ed. Our thanks to our friend Dick Inwood, who keeps us amused with his trickle of humourous e-mails.)

The Post Turtle

At a stop in Regina, a CBC reporter scanned the crowd of a Liberal rally for a possible interview. She decided to speak with an older farmer who was observing the events with some amusement. They spoke about Leader Justin Trudeau and the possibility of him being back in 24 Sussex in a matter of weeks.

The old gentleman said, “Well, ya know, Trudeau is a ‘post turtle.’”

Not comprehending what the old man meant, the reporter asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. He said, “When you’re driving down a prairie dirt road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle.’”

The farmer saw a puzzled look on the reporter’s face so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do next, and you just want to help the poor bastard get down.”

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it hereOrder your copy here.

First Grade Lesson in Politics

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a Liberal. She asked her students to raise their hands if they were Liberals too.  Not really knowing what a Liberal was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy did not go along with the crowd. The teacher asked her why she decided to be different and she said, “Because I’m not a Liberal.”

Then, asked the teacher, what are you?  “Why I’m a proud Conservative,” boasted the little girl.

The teacher was a little perturbed, her face slightly red. She asked Lucy why she was a Conservative.

“Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are Conservatives and I am a Conservative too.”

The teacher was angry. “That’s no reason,” she said loudly. “What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

Lucy paused and smiled. “Then,” said Lucy, “I’d be a Liberal.”

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it hereOrder your copy here.