Category Archives: The Lighter Side

Humourous articles and classic jokes

Canada Alert: New Variant

Canada ALERT Re:  Gonorrhea Lectim

The Public Health Agency of Canada has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.  The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It’s pronounced “Gonna re-elect ’em,” and is capable of crippling our country as we know it.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.  Many victims contracted it in 2019 when they re-elected Justin Trudeau’s Liberals back into power and are now starting to realize how just destructive this sickness is.

It’s sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout.  It’s pronounced “Vote-em-out.”

Votemout can be picked up at your local pharmacy without a doctor’s prescription.  You take the first dose now as a Federal election can be called at any time, otherwise, Gonorrhea Lectim could eventually wipe out all life as we presently know it in Canada.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

Short jokes re: Canada

Q: What do you call a sophisticated American?/ A: Canadian.

Q: What are the two seasons of weather in Canada? / A: Six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? / A: “Sorry”

Q: How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians? / A: “Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?”

Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Canadian?/ A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.

Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?/ A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Q: Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk?/ A: The cow fell on him.

Q: Why did the Canadian cross the road? / A: He saw some American do it on TV.

Q: How do you know when a Canadian is going on a date? / A: The entire dog team has had a bath.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? / A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn’t translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

 

 

BONUS JOKE:  A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.  His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob.
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”

 

 

BONUS JOKE #2:  An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said the one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”

 

 

BONUS JOKE #3:  In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a fat lady. During the trip the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought – “That American idiot wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.”

The fat lady thought – “This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.”

The American thought – “That crazy Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.”

The Canadian thought – “I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again.”

Go ahead and laugh your way through the holiday weekend… Happy Canada Day!

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Top 10 Signs You are “Hockey-Crazy”

10 – You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a “pilgrimage.”

9 – Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.

8 – You can say “Khabibulin,” “Tkachuk,” “Jagr,” “Leschyshyn” and “Nikolishin” without getting tongue-tied.

7 – You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.

6 – You bake biscuits – burn them black – in dimensions of 3″ by 1.”

5 – Your closet is divided into 2 sections:  HOME and AWAY

4 – When someone says, “two minutes” you respond, “What for!?!”

3 – Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.

2 – All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.

 

And the # 1 sign that you are Hockey-Crazy is:

When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and chant, “He shoots!  He scores!”

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

PSA: Wear your helmet (you’ll enjoy this!)

The Danish Road Safety Council has produced a memorable PSA:  “Helmet has always been a good idea”

 

My thanks to good friend Susan Wright for forwarding this gem to us.

To see more on cycling, pedal through the By George Journal menu.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. And yes, Chris also would rather be cycling… #bikealmonte

 

 

 

25 Cycle Jokes

 

Q: What’s the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?

A: The pavement.

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a bike and a flower?

A: Bicycle petals!

 

Q: What do you call a professional cyclist who just broke up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless

 

A cyclist lying on his deathbed asked his best friend to do him a favour when he’d gone. “Anything,” replied his friend.
“Just don’t let my wife sell my bikes for what I told her I paid for them,” he begged.

 

My friend rode into a tree the other day racing round his back garden. Thankfully he was able to continue, his bark was worse than his bike.

 

 

The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Along comes a man who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking his horn and shouting at me. “PIG! PIG!!” he yelled. “PIG! PIG!!”

So I flipped him the finger and, as I buzzed by him, shouted back some things I dare not repeat. Still fuming about this awful man and his shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig.

 

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn’t believe me…

Until I rode pasta.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

A: Attire

 

Q: Why did the bicycle go to the psychiatrist?

A: It had cycle logical problems

 

Q: What do you call an artist who sculpts with bicycle parts?

A: Cycleangelo

 

 

Since things turned sour with my wife a fortnight ago, I’ve taken to riding 50 miles a day to clear my head. I’m now 700 miles from home and feeling much happier.

 

I used to pray every night for a bicycle. Then I realized the Lord doesn’t work like that. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 

A pedestrian steps off the curb and into the road without looking and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist. “You were really lucky there,” says the cyclist. “What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!” says the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head. The cyclist replies, “Well, usually I drive a bus!”

 

[Warning… there are two Dad jokes in a row.]

Q: What does a bicycle call its dad?

A: Pop-cycle

 

Q: My dad works for a company that makes bicycle wheels….

A: He’s the spokesman.

 

 

A tandem rider is stopped by the police. “What have I done wrong?” says the rider. “Perhaps you didn’t notice, sir, but your wife fell off half a mile back”. “Thank god for that,” says the rider. “I thought I’d gone deaf”.

 

Jack and Jill have just climbed a steep hill on their tandem. “Phew, that was a tough climb,” said Jill, leaning over, breathing hard. “That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it.” Replied Jack: “Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on or we’d have slid all the way back down!”

 

Your a Cycling Addict If

  • You hear someone had a crash and your first question is “How’s the bike?”
  • You empathize with the roadkill.
  • A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.
  • You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
  • You have more bike jerseys than dress shirts.
  • Your bike has more miles on it then your car’s odometer.
  • You use wax on your chain, but not on your car.
  • You take your bike along when you shop for a car – just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
  • You buy a mini-van and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bikes to fit.

 

I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike’s basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

 

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. “What’s in the bags?” asked the guard. “Sand,” the cyclist replied. “Get them off. We need to take a look.” The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city. “Hey, where have you been?” the guard asked. “You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won’t say a word. What was it?” The man smiled and told him the truth. “Bicycles!”

 

 

I made a bicycle out of scrapbooking supplies. It’s a stationery bike.

 

Q: How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner?

A: Start with two million.

 

I recently bought a bicycle that plays American music when you ride it. It’s called a Gerschwinn.

 

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what – regardless of rain, snow, or thunder. One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home. He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: “The weather is terrible outside.” Half awake the wife replies: “And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle.”

 

“I’ve really had it with my dog,” says a guy to his neighbour. “He’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”
“Hmmm, that is a problem,” says the neighbour. “What are you going to do about it?”
“Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!”

 

SOURCES:

https://www.cyclingweekly.com/news/latest-news/bestworst-cycling-jokes-304281

https://www.welovecycling.com/wide/2017/08/04/7-best-cycling-jokes/

https://upjoke.com/bicycle-jokes

http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/cyclingjokes.html

To see more on cycling, pedal through the By George Journal menu.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. And yes, Chris also would rather be cycling… #bikealmonte

 

#TinFoilHatBrigade

Here are a few humourous memes we have compiled under the title of the By George Journal’s #TinFoilHatBrigade. This collection and more will be shared on By George social media platforms through this up-coming week.

(For a sideways glance and background on this matter, click: On Conspiracy Theories and Tin Foil Hats.)

Chris George is an Ottawa-based government affairs advisor and wordsmith, president of CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. Contact: ChrisG.George@gmail.com

 

 

Listen here…

Having already downed a few power drinks,

she turned around, faced me, looked me

straight in the eye and said, “Listen here.

I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere,

their place, my place, in the car, front door,

back door, on the ground, standing up,

sitting down, naked or with clothes on…

It doesn’t matter to me I just love it.”

 

With my eyes now wide with interest

I responded,“No kidding…

I’m in Government too. 

Are you Provincial or Federal?”

 

Chris George is an Ottawa-based government affairs advisor and wordsmith, president of CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. Contact: ChrisG.George@gmail.com

Federal Elections Memes

The last two Canadian federal elections in 2015 and 2015 have seen increased use of memes on social media platforms — some funny, but most unkind. Here is a collection of some of the more popular Liberal and Conservative salvos that hit the mark for their partisan audiences.

 

Chris George is an Ottawa-based government affairs advisor and wordsmith, president of CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. Contact: ChrisG.George@gmail.com

 

 

Justin Trudeau memes re the #KokaneeGrope

Flashback July 2018

Headline news for the past week has been the reporting of this Spring’s worst-kept #MeToo secret in Ottawa – the unsolicited groping of a woman reporter years prior by Justin Trudeau. What has made this dated incident more of a story is our feminist prime minister’s seeming denial that anything happened.

Thus sprang forth the witty series of memes with hashtags: #KokaneeGrope and #TrudeauRemembers. These cheeky memes all repeat Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s retort when asked about the groping incident: “I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.”

This humour (unexpectedly) grabs you.

The Battle of Waterloo… 

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -Justin Bonaparte

The Battle of Little Bighorn…

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -General Justin Custer

The Ides of March…

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -Justin Caesar

The maiden Voyage of the Titanic April 15, 1912…

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -Captain Justin Smith

The French Revolution, October 16 1793…

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -Justin Antoinette

The Trial of Ned Stark…

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -Joffrey Trudeau

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Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

If you were Prime Minister…

I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of Canada some day.

Both of her parents, NDP supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed, and said, “Welcome to the NDP Party!”

“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I told her. I continued, “But you don’t have to wait until you’re Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I smiled and said, “Welcome to the Conservative Party.”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

Chris George is an Ottawa-based government affairs advisor and wordsmith, president of CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. Contact: ChrisG.George@gmail.com

 

The Very Best Irish Jokes

Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died. The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.
The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”
The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!”
The man responds, “I’ll go tell him.”

 

Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

 

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet.

 

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned”
Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out 3 times to pee!”

 

There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle-aged men. (Irish saying)

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now.”

 

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”

 

Irish diplomacy – the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip.

 

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

 

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

 

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?”
The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.”
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: “Did something happen one of your brothers?” “Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”

 

The Irish way – Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave.

 

The Absolute Best Irish Joke of All-Tiime

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first guy says, “So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?”
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”
The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
The guy asks, “Why do you say that?”
Bartender responds, “Well, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Muppets! Offensive?

The Disney Channel has just released five seasons of “The Muppet Show” but they have done so with a warning to the next generation of viewers. The disclaimers read: 

“This program includes negative depictions and/or mistreatment of people or cultures. These stereotypes were wrong then and are wrong now,”

“Rather than remove this content, we want to acknowledge its harmful impact, learn from it and spark conversation to create a more inclusive future together. Disney is committed to creating stories with inspirational and aspirational themes that reflect the rich diversity of the human experience around the globe,”

So, the Muppets are “offensive” — according to Disney (as are those dangerous classics “Peter Pan” and “Dumbo” — according to Disney).  Offensive?! 

Given this disheartening news about the fragile psychic state of our youth today, By George honours this classic puppet troupe for the older generations who remember the joy and laughter (and how to laugh) watching this show.

 

Offensive…. 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS

Quips on Love

eggHere are a dozen quips on the subject of love that are sure to liven up your conversations and toasts throughout this weekend. Enjoy!

  • “Love reasons without reason”. – William Shakespeare
  • “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” – James Baldwin
  • “Caution in love? No! That’s like eating a hard-boiled egg with the shell still on it.” – Richard Needham
  • “Respect is love in plain clothes.” – Frankie Byrne
  • “The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.” – Polish proverb
  • “He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle.” – Ring Lardner
  • “Love teaches even asses to dance.” – French Proverb
  • “Love, and you shall be loved. All love is mathematically just, as much as the two sides of an algebraic equation.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • “Only little boys and old men sneer at love.” – Louis Auchincloss
  • “All mankind love a lover.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • “Let there be spaces in your Togetherness.” – Kahlil Gibran
  • “If there is anything better than to be loved, it is loving.” – Anonymous
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Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a trusted executive assistant, a communications can-do guy, or a go-to-scribe? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Bernie’s Inauguration Memes

By George picked 20 of the best memes lampooning Bernie Sanders sitting at the inauguration ceremonies. Bernie has gone viral in social media in the last few days. Enjoy these selected gems and let us know if we missed your favourites!

In no particular order, here are 25 of our favourite #Bernie guffaws…

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.