Category Archives: The Lighter Side

Humourous articles and classic jokes

The guys’ reunion at a restaurant

(This story is best recounted saying out loud.) 

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

 

Chris George is an Ottawa-based government affairs advisor and wordsmith, president of CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. Contact: ChrisG.George@gmail.com

The Prize Rooster (and your vote)

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pullet surprise.”

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

(Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.)

 

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it hereOrder your copy here.

The Spoon: following a consultant’s advice

Here’s a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired ABC Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 minutes per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me , but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant.  That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our “you know what”, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.”

“After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

 

(ed. – This originally appeared in the By George Journal in October 2009.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Greek way

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied, “You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.”

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor’s house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvelous.

When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said, “You see that bridge over there?”

The Spaniard replied, “No.”

 

(ed. – Thank you to my friend Dick Inwood who is very good at keeping us all laughing.)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Insight of Steven Wright

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Steven Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical observations, non sequiturs and one-liners.

Here is a generous serving of wit from America’s funny-man Steven Wright.

  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
  • I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

This is a note of caution from Wikipedia. It states: Numerous lists of jokes attributed to Wright circulate on the Internet, sometimes of dubious origin. Wright has stated, “Someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn’t write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn’t write any of it. What’s disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I’m embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad.”

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Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Classic Work Parables from the Animal Kingdom

The Eagle and the Rabbit – and the Fox

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Business lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

The Turkey and the Bull – and the Farmer

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree”, sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.” They’re packed with nutrients.” So,  the turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Business lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

 

The Cow and the Bird – and the Cat

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and quickly dug him out and ate him.

Business lessons:  (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.  (3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Rats

A tourist walked into a curio shop in Toronto. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it.  He took it to the owner: “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story,” said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster.

Within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown into the hundreds, and they began squealing. As he began to trot toward Lake Ontario, he looked around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him, faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the lakeshore, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the lake as he could.  Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into Lake Ontario after it, and were all drowned. 

The man walked back to the curio shop. “Ah ha,” said the owner, “you have come back for the story?”

“No,” said the man.  “I came back to see if you have a bronze Liberal bust.”

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FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

10 Rules for a Modern-Day Skeptic

Here is a tongue-in-cheek list of rules for those who wish to maintain a skeptical outlook.

  1. Do not let what you think get in the way of what you see.
  2. Do not let what you see determine what you think, for appearances are deceptive.
  3. Be omnivorous in your tastes.
  4. The only way to see something whole is from several points of view.
  5. The closer you come to reality the more it is a mystery, and the more unimaginable it is that you or anything else exists.
  6. The only truth is in scrupulous satisfaction over time.
  7. Develop principles that you are willing to abandon, but not easily.
  8. When anything is too sacred to joke about, the cause is fear.
  9. If you are skeptical of faith and reason, what is left as a basis for decision? Everything, so long as you are prepared to be wrong.
  10. Death is the sunlight that makes all things visible.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Left Riddled and Confused

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1. There were two fathers and two sons on a boat fishing. They each caught a fish, but only three fish where caught. How can this be so?

2. A man has to get a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river. He has a rowboat, and it can only carry him and one other thing. If the fox and the chicken are left together, the fox will eat the chicken. If the chicken and the corn are left together, the chicken will eat the corn. How does the man do it?

3. No sooner spoken than broken. What is it?

4. What do these three have in common: Dogs, Diamonds, and Double Plays

5. Dee Septor, the famous magician, claimed to be able to throw a ping-pong ball so that it would go a short distance, come to a complete stop, and then reverse itself. He also added that he would not bounce the ball off any object, or tie anything to it. How could he perform this trick?

6. Voiceless it cries / wingless flutters / toothless bites / mouthless mutters

7. Dies half its life / lives the rest / dances without music / breathes without breath

8. There are eight pills. They are all the same size and color. One pill weighs slightly more than the others and it is poisonous. You have a balanced scale and can only use it twice. How can you find the poisoned pill?

9. If it takes 6 men 6 days to dig 6 holes, how long will it take 3 men to dig half a hole?

10. What two words, when combined, hold the most letters?

11. What is better than the best, more evil than demons, the poor have it and the rich need it, and if you eat it, you will die?

12. A traveller comes to a fork in the road which leads to two villages. In one village the people always tell lies, and in the other village the people always tell the truth. The traveller needs to conduct business in the village where everyone tells the truth. A man from one of the villages is standing in the middle of the fork, but there is no indication of which village he is from. The traveller approaches the man and asks him one question. From the villager’s answer, he knows which road to follow. What did the traveller ask?

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

 

An apology for adding raisins

Canadians receive long-awaited apology from person who first added raisins to butter tarts

Pastry connoisseurs were shocked this morning when 98-year-old Rosie Vasco, the first person to publish a butter tart recipe that inexplicably called for raisins, issued a long-awaited public apology for desecrating one of Canada’s most beloved baked goods.

“My sincere apologies to anyone who has ever innocently bitten into a butter tart, unaware that it is filled with raisins,” Vasco said in a press conference from her nursing home. “I have spent my life haunted by guilt for the undue anguish my recipe has caused the bake sale community.”

The apology had special significance to Jeanie McLean, great-granddaughter of butter tart inventor Bertha McLean.

At her home in Barrie, Ontario, Jeanie flips through a scrapbook filled with pictures of butter tarts. She stops on a worn page from a 1942 issue of Chatelaine and her eyes instantly well with tears.

“This is it. The first published butter tart recipe to include raisins,” McLean says. “It’s hard for me to look at. Dad says it’s what sent Grannie to her grave.”

In 2000, the year the butter tart celebrated its centennial, McLean organized a petition calling for an apology from the author of Chatelaine‘s “tart sacrilege.”

More than 850,000 Canadians signed the petition, demanding reparations for the damage the highly controversial dried fruit had caused to the reputation of the nationally acclaimed dessert.

One of the signatories was Gordie Beynon, then 29, who says his father’s homemade butter tarts used to be his favourite treat.

“While visiting Dad in the hospital, I noticed the cafeteria sold butter tarts. I bought one thinking it would comfort him,” Beynon said. “He took one bite, whispered ‘RAISINS,’ and slipped into a coma he never came out of.”

Beynon added, “To be fair, “Raisins” was also the name of his beloved childhood toboggan, so I’m not sure what he meant.”

Vasco said it took her 17 years to respond to the petition due to a constant stream of threats.

“People have called me a grape murderer. They’ve mailed me Glosette Raisins boxes filled with chocolate-covered flies,” she said. “In 1987 someone broke into my house and left a beheaded California Raisins doll in my bed. They weren’t sure where its neck started, so they just left its arms and legs.”

Vasco says she’s apologizing now to “make amends with God.”

“My pastor told me raisins are the husks of grapes who have gone to hell.”

However, McLean says forgiveness will take time.

“I’m still too scared to buy unmarked tarts at farmers markets. I will not rest until every tart is pure and safe.”

(Yes, this is Canadian humour written by Laura Salvas and published by CBC Comedy. Go to the original post here.)

By George has declared July as “Butter Tart Month.” Here is a menu of our delectable articles on Canada’s iconic dessert.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Albert Einstein’s Riddle

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Einstein has been widely credited online with the following riddle, and with the claim that 98% of the world could not solve it. There is a logical answer…

There are 5 houses in 5 different colors in a row. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet.

No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same beverage.

Other facts to know:

  1. The Brit lives in the red house.
  2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
  3. The Dane drinks tea.
  4. The green house is on the immediate left of the white house.
  5. The green house’s owner drinks coffee.
  6. The owner who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
  7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
  8. The owner living in the center house drinks milk.
  9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
  10. The owner who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
  11. The owner who keeps the horse lives next to the one who smokes Dunhill.
  12. The owner who smokes Bluemasters drinks beer.
  13. The German smokes Prince.
  14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
  15. The owner who smokes Blends lives next to the one who drinks water.

The question is : WHO OWNS THE FISH?

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

Kids and Butter Tarts — a very happy combination

Back before the coronavirus pandemic shut everything down in our country, the folks in Vaughan Ontario got to celebrate their first Butter Tart Festival.

Lisa Queen of YorkRegion.com and photographer Steve Somerville featured kids’ reactions to eating tarts in this delightful article: ‘Yummy’: 5 kids serve up 5 thoughts on butter tarts at Vaughan festival.

This is priceless…

Vanessa Flamminio, 9, of Maple: “It’s yummy. They’re really good.”

For the record, Vanessa: No raisins

Ana Maria Mallinos, 14, from Stouffville: “Definitely the goo. I like it, yeah. I love them.”

Ana Maria: No raisins

Tristan Pesci, 10, of Maple: “It’s sweet and then you get the taste of the crust. It’s one of my favourites.”

Tristan: No raisins

Mia Molella, 8, of Schomberg: “I just like the taste.”

Mia: No raisins

Gabriel Iorfida, 6, from Richmond Hill: “They’re really, really good.”

Gabriel: No raisins

By George thanks to Lisa Queen and Steve Somerville who captured these reactions. You can see the full article clicking here.

By George has declared July as “Butter Tart Month.” Here is a menu of our delectable articles on Canada’s iconic dessert.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

You might be Canadian if…

You might be Canadian if:

  • You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
  • You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan”
  • Your municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
  • You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.
  • You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don’t miss Hockey Night.
  • You substitute beer for water when cooking.
  • You pity people who haven’t tasted a “beavertail”.
  • You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
  • You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  • You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
  • You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
  • You know which leaves make for good toilet paper.
  • You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
  • The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.


Short jokes re: Canada

Q: What do you call a sophisticated American?/ A: Canadian.

Q: What are the two seasons of weather in Canada? / A: Six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? / A: “Sorry”

Q: How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians? / A: “Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?”

Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Canadian?/ A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.

Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?/ A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Q: Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk?/ A: The cow fell on him.

Q: Why did the Canadian cross the road? / A: He saw some American do it on TV.

Q: How do you know when a Canadian is going on a date? / A: The entire dog team has had a bath.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? / A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn’t translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

 

 

BONUS JOKE:  A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.  His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob.
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”

 

 

BONUS JOKE #2:  An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said the one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”

 

 

BONUS JOKE #3:  In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a fat lady. During the trip the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought – “That American idiot wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.”

The fat lady thought – “This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.”

The American thought – “That crazy Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.”

The Canadian thought – “I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again.”

Go ahead and laugh your way through the holiday weekend… Happy Canada Day!

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Yogi-isms

Everybody marvels at Yogi Berra’s quotes. He is an unflappable treasure of the game…

“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.”

“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.”

“If the people don’t wanna come out to the ballpark, nobody’s gonna stop ’em.”

“Baseball ain’t like football. You can’t make up no trick plays.”

“I’m ugly. So what? I’ve never seen anyone hit with his face.”

“Think?! How are you supposed to think and hit at the same time?”

“I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats.”

The New York Yankee legendary catcher passed away in 2015 and, at that time, By George Journal paid tribute to the man. For more of his offhanded insights, read R.I.P. Yogi Berra – Our Dozen FAV quotes.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Reposting Our Dozen FAV Puns

From the hundreds of puns you will find in the By George Journal archive, here are our dozen favourite puns.

  1. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
  2. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
  3. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
  4. All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen and as of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
  5. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  6. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  8. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  9. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
  10. Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in France? De-brie was everywhere…
  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  12. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there’s a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They had a wonderful time. He stays for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.

Everything had been SO incredible!

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies. . .

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

5 shaggy-dog (pun-ishing) stories

Here are 5 gems to get you through the week!!

  • King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” The King protested, “But I paid a million dinars for it! Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
  • A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with — transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
  • An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
  • A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal pujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the pujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”
  • Ollie Oyster and Sam Clam were best friends. They grew up together, went to school together, and even played in a rock band together. One day they had a horrible car accident, and both died. Ollie had lived a good life, and went to heaven. Sam went to the other place. Ollie wanted to play in a rock band again, just like before he died. But the only instrument allowed in heaven was the harp. He was a little sad about it, but learned to play the harp anyway, and became pretty good about it. But Ollie Oyster missed his good friend Sam Clam. One day he asked God if he could visit Sam. God said “Well, we don’t normally do that kind of thing. But you were a very good oyster, so I can make a small exception. I’ll let you visit Sam for one day. But the catch is, you have to take your harp with you. They don’t have harps in hell, so when you want to get back into heaven just come to the front gate and play your harp, and we’ll know it’s you and let you in.” Ollie was overjoyed, grabbed his harp, and went to visit his old friend. Ollie found Sam, and they soon caught up on old times. Musical instruments of all kinds were allowed in hell, and Sam had formed a band, made a lot of money, and eventually opened his own disco. The two friends partied the night away in Sam’s disco, talking about old times, drinking heavily, and having a great time. Finally, Ollie realized that time had gotten away from him, and he had only minutes to get back to heaven. He rushed out of the disco, leaving his harp behind. He made it to the front gates of heaven, and pounded on the door. St Peter peeked out, and said “God told me you would be coming back, but I can’t let you in until I hear you play your harp!” Ollie cried “Oh No! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco!”

Pass along your favourite puns! The By George Journal would love to post them!

If you’d like to see further punny stories and pithy shorts, here the full menu of our pun posts.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

6 more punny “shaggy dog” stories

1) The Nomads

In the great desert lived a bunch of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank, due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man’s strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beards, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, “Do you now remember the ancient legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware.”

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”

 

2) A Geneticist

A geneticist was working late one night, secretly perfecting his greatest project: a perfect clone of himself; an utter copy with no noticeable differences in personality or appearance. Having finished his work, the geneticist took off for Maui and sent his clone to work. Within days, reports came back from his friends in the know of bizarre behavior from his doppelganger. The duplicate had cussed out the boss and his receptionist, groped all members of the research team male and female, used the Xerox to copy his genitalia–sending the results to all the company’s affiliates–and concluded all handshakes by forcibly pressing the other’s hand against the general area of his nipple, then simulating canine-fashion copulation while saying “nice to -meat- ya!” The geneticist was terrified, and took the next plane back to the States. He confronted the clone in their twentieth story office, and braving a three minute uninterrupted litany of expletives, pushed the unreasonable double out the window, where he fell to his death.

The police arrived, and once the situation was explained, the geneticist laughed, disbelieving any statute covered the destruction of one’s genetic clone. After interviewing all concerned parties, the geneticist was arrested. The charge?

Making an obscene clone fall.

 

3) The Research Group

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world’s flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to sleep and to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)…

“Transporting mynahs across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.”

 

4) The Wasp Recording

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?”

“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

 

5) The String

So this string walks into a bar and sidles up to the bar. The string bangs on the bar and shouts “Bartender! Pour me a beer”

The bartender walks over to the string and sternly says “We don”t serve your kind in here.” The string says “What do you mean?”, so the bartender replies by pointing to a sign hanging over the bar. It reads “No strings served here”, so the string leaves

As he stands outside, he gets an idea. He bends over until the top of his head is hitting the ground. He rubs his head into the cement. Then, he grabs his feet and pulls them and twists them around his body and then around his body again. Then, he re-enters the bar

“Bartender! Pour me a beer” the string demands. The bartender walks up to him and angrily says “Look! I already told you. We don’t serve strings here!!”. The string, looking surprised says “String? You think I’m a string?” The bartender responds “Of course you’re a string. You were a string when you came in a minute ago, and you’re a string now!”

“I’m a frayed knot” replied the string.

 

6) The Dessert School

There once was a young man who lived on a farm. He wanted to get off the farm though, and dreamed of higher education as an escape from his surroundings. He was very industrious and saved every penny. Finally, he had saved enough to pay for tuition, and moved to the city to attend classes.

He decided to attend cooking school, and become a chef. He was quite adept at cooking as it turned out. Everyone at the school learned of his prowess, and made a point to taste his recipes whenever they had the chance. His real forte was as a dessert chef. He could turn out miracles with powdered sugar and fruit glazes. Charming the faculty with his skill, he graduated summa cum laude. Upon graduation, he was immediately snapped up by the fanciest gourmet restaurant in the city for their top dessert chef. He was instantly successful and his name became a household word, synonymous with the finest desserts available.

Eventually, the chef decided to give back to the community, and opened a cooking school of his own. This school would be intended as the premier dessert institute of all times. New and exciting ideas would be developed at the school. He decided in particular he would like to explore the use of caramel in dessert making. Also, he really wanted to push the envelope on what could be used in a dessert. However, it seemed he bit off more than than he could chew (no, this is not the pun). The chef’s ego had grown with his reputation, and he had let his success get to his head. Prideful and arrogant, he believed his critics to be peasants without taste, and kept making desserts like caramel-covered prime rib, mustard flavored caramels, caramel-filled okra, and tuna caramel casserole. Once his adoring fans, his audience now deserted him (that’s not the pun either). But his pride would not let him back down, and he railed against his critics as he kept teaching students to make atrocities against the palate and caramel in general. Finally, when the chef produced his caramel-injected haggis, the city had had enough. They petitioned the city to revoke his business license for his institute. The city administrators did them one better however, and cited the chef with disturbing the peace. The charge?

“For an awful caramel college.”

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.