Tag Archives: puns

25 Favourite Christmas Puns

  • What did Adam say the day before Christmas? – It’s Christmas, Eve!
  • What is a typical elf greeting? – “Small world, isn’t it?”
  • You better get spruced up if you’re going to sell Christmas trees.
  • Some children call him Santa Caus since there is Noel.
  • How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel? – On an icicle built for two.
  • What do Christmas trees and bad knitters have in common? – They both drop their needles.
  • If a reindeer lost its tail, where could he get a new one? – At a retail store.
  • What do you call a reindeer who wears ear muffs? – Anything you want. He can’t hear you, anyway.
  • What is green, covered with tinsel and says, “Rabbit, rabbit?” – A mistle-toad.
  • Who delivers Christmas presents to little sharks? – Santa Jaws.
  • What do monkeys sing at Christmas time? – Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.
  • Where does Santa Claus go swimming? – The North Pool.
  • What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? – Tinselitis.
  • What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple? – A pineapple.
  • What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? – Claustrophobia!
  • What do you call a letter that is sent up the chimney on Christmas eve? – Blackmail.
  • What do reindeer use to decorate their Christmas trees? – Horn-aments.
  • Who makes toy guitars and sings, “Blue Christmas?” – Elfis.
  • What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering presents? – Santa Pause!
  • Where does Santa hide the presents he’s giving to Mrs. Claus? – In the clauset.
  • Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?- Because it soots him.
  • What does a reindeer say before telling a joke? – This one will sleigh you!
  • What do you call Santa when he goes to the beach? – Sandy Claus.
  • How long are an elf’s legs? – Long enough to reach the ground.
  • Do reindeer go to public school? – No, they’re elf taught.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Here’s to a Punny Christmas

  • What did Adam say the day before Christmas? – It’s Christmas, Eve!
  • What is a typical elf greeting? – “Small world, isn’t it?”
  • You better get spruced up if you’re going to sell Christmas trees.
  • Some children call him Santa Caus since there is Noel.
  • How do Santa and Mrs. Claus travel? – On an icicle built for two.
  • What do Christmas trees and bad knitters have in common? – They both drop their needles.
  • If a reindeer lost its tail, where could he get a new one? – At a retail store.
  • What do you call a reindeer who wears ear muffs? – Anything you want. He can’t hear you, anyway.
  • What is green, covered with tinsel and says, “Rabbit, rabbit?” – A mistle-toad.
  • Who delivers Christmas presents to little sharks? – Santa Jaws.
  • What do monkeys sing at Christmas time? – Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.
  • Where does Santa Claus go swimming? – The North Pool.
  • What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? – Tinselitis.
  • What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple? – A pineapple.
  • What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? – Claustrophobia!
  • What do you call a letter that is sent up the chimney on Christmas eve? – Blackmail.
  • What do reindeer use to decorate their Christmas trees? – Horn-aments.
  • Who makes toy guitars and sings, “Blue Christmas?” – Elfis.
  • What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering presents? – Santa Pause!
  • Where does Santa hide the presents he’s giving to Mrs. Claus? – In the clauset.
  • Why will Santa go down your chimney on Christmas Eve?- Because it soots him.
  • What does a reindeer say before telling a joke? – This one will sleigh you!
  • What do you call Santa when he goes to the beach? – Sandy Claus.
  • How long are an elf’s legs? – Long enough to reach the ground.
  • Do reindeer go to public school? – No, they’re elf taught.

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Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

5 shaggy-dog (pun-ishing) stories

Here are 5 gems to get you through the week!!

  • King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” The King protested, “But I paid a million dinars for it! Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
  • A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with — transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
  • An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
  • A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal pujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the pujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”
  • Ollie Oyster and Sam Clam were best friends. They grew up together, went to school together, and even played in a rock band together. One day they had a horrible car accident, and both died. Ollie had lived a good life, and went to heaven. Sam went to the other place. Ollie wanted to play in a rock band again, just like before he died. But the only instrument allowed in heaven was the harp. He was a little sad about it, but learned to play the harp anyway, and became pretty good about it. But Ollie Oyster missed his good friend Sam Clam. One day he asked God if he could visit Sam. God said “Well, we don’t normally do that kind of thing. But you were a very good oyster, so I can make a small exception. I’ll let you visit Sam for one day. But the catch is, you have to take your harp with you. They don’t have harps in hell, so when you want to get back into heaven just come to the front gate and play your harp, and we’ll know it’s you and let you in.” Ollie was overjoyed, grabbed his harp, and went to visit his old friend. Ollie found Sam, and they soon caught up on old times. Musical instruments of all kinds were allowed in hell, and Sam had formed a band, made a lot of money, and eventually opened his own disco. The two friends partied the night away in Sam’s disco, talking about old times, drinking heavily, and having a great time. Finally, Ollie realized that time had gotten away from him, and he had only minutes to get back to heaven. He rushed out of the disco, leaving his harp behind. He made it to the front gates of heaven, and pounded on the door. St Peter peeked out, and said “God told me you would be coming back, but I can’t let you in until I hear you play your harp!” Ollie cried “Oh No! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco!”

Pass along your favourite puns! The By George Journal would love to post them!

If you’d like to see further punny stories and pithy shorts, here the full menu of our pun posts.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Classic tongue-in-cheek puns

  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says : “A beer please, and one for the road.”
  • Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  • I went to a seafood disco rave last week … and pulled a mussel.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  • That was two-thirds of a pun: ‘p’ , ‘u’ .

 

Check out By George Journal’s selection of puns in our archives – articles tagged “puns”.

(ed. – No punny post would be complete without acknowledging our friend, The Kng of Punsters, Dick Inwood. Thanks Dick for your years of providing our office countless morning smiles and groans!!)

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Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a trusted executive assistant, a communications can-do guy, or a go-to-scribe? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Top 10 punny memes recently shared

Over the past two weeks we have had a lot of fun at By George sharing punny memes in our Facebook and Twitter streams. Here are our top 10 – and we thank all our followers who participated in our antics!!

 

Join us at the By George Journal on Facebook and Twitter. Enjoy our daily injections of provocative posts.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

6 more punny “shaggy dog” stories

1) The Nomads

In the great desert lived a bunch of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank, due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man’s strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

 

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beards, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

 

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, “Do you now remember the ancient legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware.”

 

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

 

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

 

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”

 

 

2) A Geneticist

A geneticist was working late one night, secretly perfecting his greatest project: a perfect clone of himself; an utter copy with no noticeable differences in personality or appearance. Having finished his work, the geneticist took off for Maui and sent his clone to work. Within days, reports came back from his friends in the know of bizarre behavior from his doppelganger. The duplicate had cussed out the boss and his receptionist, groped all members of the research team male and female, used the Xerox to copy his genitalia–sending the results to all the company’s affiliates–and concluded all handshakes by forcibly pressing the other’s hand against the general area of his nipple, then simulating canine-fashion copulation while saying “nice to -meat- ya!” The geneticist was terrified, and took the next plane back to the States. He confronted the clone in their twentieth story office, and braving a three minute uninterrupted litany of expletives, pushed the unreasonable double out the window, where he fell to his death.

The police arrived, and once the situation was explained, the geneticist laughed, disbelieving any statute covered the destruction of one’s genetic clone. After interviewing all concerned parties, the geneticist was arrested. The charge?

Making an obscene clone fall.

 

 

3) The Research Group

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world’s flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to sleep and to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)…

“Transporting mynahs across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.”

 

 

4) The Wasp Recording

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

 

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?”

“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

 

 

 

5) The String

So this string walks into a bar and sidles up to the bar. The string bangs on the bar and shouts “Bartender! Pour me a beer”

The bartender walks over to the string and sternly says “We dont serve your kind in here.” The string says “What do you mean?”, so the bartender replies by pointing to a sign hanging over the bar. It reads “No strings served here”, so the string leaves

As he stands outside, he gets an idea. He bends over until the top of his head is hitting the ground. He rubs his head into the cement. Then, he grabs his feet and pulls them and twists them around his body and then around his body again. Then, he re-enters the bar

“Bartender! Pour me a beer” the string demands. The bartender walks up to him and angrily says “Look! I already told you. We don’t serve strings here!!”. The string, looking surprised says “String? You think I’m a string?” The bartender responds “Of course you’re a string. You were a string when you came in a minute ago, and you’re a string now!”

“I’m a frayed knot” replied the string.

 

 

 

6) The Dessert School

There once was a young man who lived on a farm. He wanted to get off the farm though, and dreamed of higher education as an escape from his surroundings. He was very industrious and saved every penny. Finally, he had saved enough to pay for tuition, and moved to the city to attend classes.

He decided to attend cooking school, and become a chef. He was quite adept at cooking as it turned out. Everyone at the school learned of his prowess, and made a point to taste his recipes whenever they had the chance. His real forte was as a dessert chef. He could turn out miracles with powdered sugar and fruit glazes. Charming the faculty with his skill, he graduated summa cum laude. Upon graduation, he was immediately snapped up by the fanciest gourmet restaurant in the city for their top dessert chef. He was instantly successful and his name became a household word, synonymous with the finest desserts available.

Eventually, the chef decided to give back to the community, and opened a cooking school of his own. This school would be intended as the premier dessert institute of all times. New and exciting ideas would be developed at the school. He decided in particular he would like to explore the use of caramel in dessert making. Also, he really wanted to push the envelope on what could be used in a dessert. However, it seemed he bit off more than than he could chew (no, this is not the pun). The chef’s ego had grown with his reputation, and he had let his success get to his head. Prideful and arrogant, he believed his critics to be peasants without taste, and kept making desserts like caramel-covered prime rib, mustard flavored caramels, caramel-filled okra, and tuna caramel casserole. Once his adoring fans, his audience now deserted him (that’s not the pun either). But his pride would not let him back down, and he railed against his critics as he kept teaching students to make atrocities against the palate and caramel in general. Finally, when the chef produced his caramel-injected haggis, the city had had enough. They petitioned the city to revoke his business license for his institute. The city administrators did them one better however, and cited the chef with disturbing the peace. The charge?

“For an awful caramel college.”

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

6 punny “shaggy dog” stories

1) Quasimodo

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, “You have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!”

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

 

 

2) After Quasimodo

(But wait, there’s more…) The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened?” the first breathlessly asked, “Who is this man?” “I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.

 

 

3) On a tiny island…

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.  Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

 

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe’s elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

 

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

 

Soon, the king’s tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

 

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

 

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: “People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.”

 

 

4) Ollie and Sam

Ollie Oyster and Sam Clam were best friends. They grew up together, went to school together, and even played in a rock band together. One day they had a horrible car accident, and both died.

Ollie had lived a good life, and went to heaven. Sam went to the other place.

Ollie wanted to play in a rock band again, just like before he died. But the only instrument allowed in heaven was the harp. He was a little sad about it, but learned to play the harp anyway, and became pretty good about it.

But Ollie Oyster missed his good friend Sam Clam. One day he asked God if he could visit Sam. God said “Well, we dont normally do that kind of thing. But you were a very good oyster, so I can make a small exception. I’ll let you visit Sam for one day. But the catch is, you have to take your harp with you. They dont have harps in hell, so when you want to get back into heaven just come to the front gate and play your harp, and we’ll know its you and let you in.”

Ollie was overjoyed, grabbed his harp, and went to visit his old friend.

Ollie found Sam, and they soon caught up on old times. Musical instruments of all kinds were allowed in hell, and Sam had formed a band, made a lot of money, and eventually opened his own disco. The two friends partied the night away in Sam’s disco, talking about old times, drinking heavily, and having a great time.

Finally, Ollie realized that time had gotten away from him, and he had only minutes to get back to heaven. He rushed out of the disco, leaving his harp behind.

He made it to the front gates of heaven, and pounded on the door. St Peter peeked out, and said “God told me you would be coming back, but I cant let you in until I hear you play your harp!”

Ollie cried “Oh No! I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco!”

 

 

5) There was this chief…

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

 

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

 

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

 

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

 

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

 

“Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?”

 

The warrior answered, “It’s elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”

 

 

6) The Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

 

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

 

He responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

25 Funniest Puns Ever

  1. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket!
  2. eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
  3. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  4. I’ve just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a rap.
  5. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn’t matter; none of them work.
  6. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  7. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  8. I hate insects puns; they really bug me.
  9. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.
  10. How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  11. I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
  12. Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in France? De-brie was everywhere…
  13. I’m glad I know sign language; it’s pretty handy.
  14. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  15. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
  16. It’s really hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac. They always take things literally.
  17. I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
  18. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
  19. My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
  20. What’s the worst thing about ancient orators? They tend to Babylon.
  21. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
  22. I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na…
  23. A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
  24. A pet store had a bird contest, no perches necessary.
  25. I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself, this is the last thing I need.

SOURCE:  From List 25 ~ https://list25.com/25-funniest-puns-ever/

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Puns! (send us your favourite)

  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  • She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization
  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
  • Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  • There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

(These great puns are courtesy of Dick Inwood.  If you have a favourite pun or punny piece, we would love to receive and share it with our readership! Send your puns to cgacomm@gmail.com – or simply comment on this post.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

An unemployable bloke’s lament

This punny story is found in our very own By George Treasury:

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned . . . couldn’t concentrate.  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.  Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.  I attempted to be a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

 

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.  I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.  Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.  I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.  I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.  So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

 

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as an historian, until I realized there was no future in it.  My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.  So, I recently retired and I found I’m perfect for the job!

 

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

6 more punny memes

Here are 6 punny memes recently shared with By George… enjoy.

Send us your favourite punny memes and we will attempt to get as many posted in our Twitter feed @ByGeorgeJournal. We will also pick a dozen puns to feature here in the Journal on May 1st.

Email us your puns at cgacomm@gmail.com

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Those punny e-newsletter memes

By George has created a stir among ints readership by putting out a challenge to share favourite puns through the month April. In our latest newsletter – Punny Stuff – we shared six great pun memes and ask people to start sending their favourites on our Facebook and Twitter.

Over the next few weeks, it will be fun to watch our readership’s collective efforts. For the record, here are the original six pun memes from our e-newsletter that started it all.

If you wish to receive future By George newsletters, fill out the online form and we will be pleased to get you on our mailing list.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

3 unforgettable, very punny memes!

These past few weeks, on Facebook and Twitter, By George has been polluting our social media stream with very punny memes. Our sadistic nature has us continuing this mission through April.

By way of example, here are a few of our more amusing posts this month – 3 unforgettable guffaws!

 

For those who have found this post via the latest By George newsletter, do you agree these are the punniest?! Was there another meme that you thought should have been selected?

Send us your favourite punny memes and we will attempt to get as many posted in our Twitter feed @ByGeorgeJournal. We will also pick a dozen puns to feature here in the Journal on May 1st.

Email us your puns at cgacomm@gmail.com

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Puns for Educated Minds

  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
  • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
  • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
  • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
  • I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
  • Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
  • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  • When chemists die, apparently they barium.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
  • When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
  • Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
  • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • Velcro – what a rip off !

 

(ed. – Thank you to our friend Dick Inwood for this Friday amusement.)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

A dozen excellent puns

  • A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
  • When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
  • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
  • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Really, there’s nothing like a good pun

A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from….

Finally, it dawned on him.

PUNS – we swear they make the world spin counter-clockwise. We absolutely love to hear that groan…. Here are three that will have your colleagues and friends looking sideways.

#1 – A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, the biologist was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

#2 – An Inuit out hunting seals in his boat found that his feet were beginning to freeze. Carefully shaving off little strips of wood from the frame he was able to get enough fuel to start a small fire by his feet. Unfortunately the hide covering of the boat caught on fire as well and his entire craft was consumed by flames. This goes to prove that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

#3 – A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

 

(ed. – Have you heard a good pun lately? Pass it on!)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

 

I have been in many places…

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

 

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

 

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there thanks to my friends, family and work.

 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

 

I have been in Decisive…at least I think so.

 

I have also been in Doubt, but it makes me uncomfortable.  So I try to live by the motto: Often wrong, but never in Doubt.

 

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to not bend.

 

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

 

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible, but life shows me I am not.

 

People keep telling me I’m in Denial, but I’m certain I’ve never been there before!

 

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember much, except that it is very damp there.

 

Yes, I’ve been in many places….

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there’s a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They had a wonderful time. He stays for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.

Everything had been SO incredible!

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies. . .

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

 

(ed. – Thank you to our loyal reader Dick Inwood, who is a regular source of humourous material.)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Sunday Smile: Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named  Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

 

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Lutheran Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

 

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

 

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

 

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

 

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:  “Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?”

 

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

.

.

“Repaint! Repaint!  And thin no more!”

 

(ed. – This smile was passed along by friend Mike Siatras of Ottawa. Thank you Mike!)

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

A few guffaws over “Social Media”

Here are a few one-liners, puns and jokes relating to “social media” to insert in your next presentation – or in your next conversation with a tech-fearing person.

You just might be addicted to Social Media if you have more facebook friends than in real life… or,

  • you tweet more than you talk
  • when you hear a joke you say “lol” instead of simply laughing
  • you can type eighty words a minute but talk thirty
  • refer to yourself as your blog name – “Yeah I’m byGeorgeJournal!”
  • You update your status to tell people what your having for dinner

So, a man and wife were both in an Internet Business, but it was the husband who truly lived, ate and breathed computers. His wife finally realized how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back, and he said “No, not there. Scroll down a little.”

Beware: Puns!

  • When you post graffiti on my wall, it’s deFacebook.
  • Fishing can be very “Web 2.0” – especially when it’s done in reel time.
  • Some people can’t stand social media, but I say tweet his own.
  • Though tweeting is now allowed in church, you must be worried about being text-communicated.

And from yesterday’s PR Daily, here is Sam Fiorella’s 12 most ridiculous social media job titles (in no particular order):

1. Web Alchemist
2. Head of Interactions
3. Ant Colony Forman
4. Chief People Herder
5. Chatter Monkey
6. Community Data Guerrilla
7. Social Media Guru
8. Social Media Swami
9. Public Happy Maker
10. Social Media Evangelist
11. Social Media Rockstar
12. Social Media Missionary

SOURCE:  http://www.prdaily.com/Main/Articles/8590.aspx