The Insight of Steven Wright

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Steven Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical observations, non sequiturs and one-liners.

Here is a generous serving of wit from America’s funny-man Steven Wright.

  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
  • I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

This is a note of caution from Wikipedia. It states: Numerous lists of jokes attributed to Wright circulate on the Internet, sometimes of dubious origin. Wright has stated, “Someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn’t write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn’t write any of it. What’s disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I’m embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad.”

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Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

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