Great One-Liners

  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t!
  • I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
  • You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
  • I’m not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
  • God must love stupid people; he made so many.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
  • Procrastinate Now!
  • FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  • STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
  • They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
  • HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

 

This humourist list of one-liners and many more funny stories and jokes can be found in the By George Treasury. (ed. – Y’know e-books make great gifts – check our on-line store: Our E-bookshelf.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.