• My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t!
• I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
• You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
• I’m not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
• God must love stupid people; he made so many.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
• Procrastinate Now!
• FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
• STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
• They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
• He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
• HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
• The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

This humourist list of one-liners and many more funny stories and jokes can be found in the By George Treasury. (ed. – Y’know e-books make great gifts – check our on-line store: Our E-bookshelf.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.