Daftisms (to be pondered on a Monday morning)

  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

 

 

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