- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
