Classic Jokes: “A guy walks into a bar . . .”

  • A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
  • An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do I come here often?”
  • A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
  • A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. “Got any ID?” asks the bartender. The Texan replies, “About what?”
  • A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, “Nice tie.” Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, “Beautiful shirt.” At this, the man calls the bartender over. “Say, I must be losing my mind,” he tells him. “I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. “The peanuts?” “That’s right, the peanuts–they’re complementary.”
  • A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, “You can come in here, but you better not start anything!”
  • A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.” The bartender asks him. “Don’t you mean martini?” The man tells the bartender, “Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them.”
  • A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “So, why the long face?”
  • A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been in here?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
  • A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?”
  • A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”
  • A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”
  • A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
  • A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Give me a beer, and a mop.”
  • A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: “What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?”
  • “Are you walking or driving?” asks the barman. “Driving,” says a man. “That’s the quickest way,” says the barman.
  • A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.” And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says “give me another drink before the trouble starts.” Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don’t have any money.”
  • A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?” And the bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”
  • A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, “What’s the matter?” The man says, “My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today.”
  • This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.
  • A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, “A beer for me and one for my giraffe.” And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lyin’ on the floor, are you?” The man says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”
  • A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

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