1. The Globe and Mail is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Ottawa Citizen is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The National Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The Globe and Mail. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts in colour.
4. The Montreal Gazette is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
5. Le Journal de Montréal is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated – and the Canadiens win.
6. The Toronto Sun is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the GO train and the Leafs win.
7. The Calgary Sun is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
8. The Vancouver Province is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country — if they could find the time — and if they didn’t have to leave BC to do it or take those pesky drug tests.
9. The St. John’s Telegraph is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or if anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that it stands for especially if they’re from away. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist bisexual fishers who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Conservatives.