Esquire recently published “The Greatest Jokes Ever Told” with a subtext: “Or at least the greatest, funniest jokes chosen by 22 of the funniest comics working stand-up today.”
The magazine assembled 22 of the smartest comic minds currently performing in North America comedy clubs and asked them to tell the greatest joke they know. From that selection of jokes, here are By George’s 5 FAVS
Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says, Does this taste funny to you?
A guy’s driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he’s doing is he’s taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, “Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?” And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, “What’s time to a pig?”
A string and his friends walk into a bar, and the string goes up to get a drink and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.” So the string ties himself in a loop and does up the top of his head and then goes up to the bar, and the bartender goes, “Uh . . . are you a string?” And the string goes, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
A plane takes off, and once it’s leveled out at its cruising altitude, the pilot finishes addressing the passengers. Thinking his microphone is off, the pilot then mumbles to himself, “I’d love a blowjob and a cup of coffee.” Of course the passengers hear this, so one of the female flight attendants rushes toward the cockpit to let the captain know his mic is still on. As she runs up the aisle, one of the male passengers yells out, “Don’t forget the coffee.”
A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it and the woman at the counter says, “Let me guess, you’re single?” And he says, “Yeah, how could you tell?” And she says, “Because you’re really fucking ugly.”
To read all 22 of the funniest jokes as picked by funnymen, click here for the Esquire feature.
