Category Archives: The Lighter Side

Humourous articles and classic jokes

Humourous Christmas Quotes

  • Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home. — Carol Nelson
  • Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. — W. C. Fields
  • Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music. — Tom Sims
  • Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. — Unknown
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day. — Phyllis Diller
  • The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. — Johnny Carson
  • I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included — Bernard Manning
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. — Victor Borge
  • The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. — Joan Rivers
  • I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. — Shirley Temple
  • Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. — Dennis Miller
  • The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. — Jay Leno
  • Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. — Johnny Carson
  • Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year. — P.J. O’Rourke
  • Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? — Bill Watterson
  • Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. — Larry Wilde
  • I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays. — Henry Youngman
  • A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. — Garrison Keillor
  • Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. — Kim Hubbard
  • There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. — P.J. O’Rourke

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Gift-receiving – the pessimist and the optimist

christmas presents

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Eve the twins’ father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

Christmas morning the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

 

Enjoy a great deal more Christmas cheer by dipping into the By George Virtual Eggnog Bowl.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

A dozen 2020 Christmas Memes

By  George brings you a special set of Christmas memes to commemorate this extraordinary year that was…. We hope you might save and share these dozen memes to help spread the realities of our 2020 holiday season.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Elf-on-the-Shelf (Ho-Oh-No) Memes

By George Journal brings you some rather non-traditional memes feature that ever-annoying Elf-on-the-Shelf.

.

(ed. – Apologies to all Elf-on-the-Shelf admirers.) 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Canadian Christmas Memes

For the third installment of By George’s Christmas memes, we are providing a few that are uniquely Canadian. Enjoy eh!  (Right click on the meme below. Like , eh, you can copy or save it and then share it to help spread the joy of the season.)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

BGJ’s Christmas Memes

These half-dozen guffaws are the second installment of By George’s Christmas memes – posts that we have enjoyed with followers on our Facebook page. (You can find our first installment of memes – clicking here.)

It’s a sideways look at the season — and go ahead and right click on any of the memes below. You can copy or save them and then share them to help spread the joy of the season!

.christmas_04
christmas_09

christmas_10

christmas_05

christmas_08

christmas_07

.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

“Beware Revelers” the season of memes

By  George launches its season of Christmas memes with a warning that the endless deluge of Christmas posters and gifs are seldom funny and often in bad taste. Still, our hope is to unearth a few striking memes that you will want to share. We begin with this set of 5 which we entitle “Beware Revelers”.

(Go ahead – right click on the meme below. You can copy or save it and then share it to help spread the joy of the season…)

 

christmas_01

christmas_01a

christmas_01d

christmas_01c

christmas_01b

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Canada Alert: New Variant

Canada ALERT Re:  Gonorrhea Lectim

The Public Health Agency of Canada has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.  The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It’s pronounced “Gonna re-elect ’em,” and is capable of crippling our country as we know it.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.  Many victims contracted it in 2019 when they re-elected Justin Trudeau’s Liberals back into power and are now starting to realize how just destructive this sickness is.

It’s sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout.  It’s pronounced “Vote-em-out.”

Votemout can be picked up at your local pharmacy without a doctor’s prescription.  You take the first dose now as a Federal election can be called at any time, otherwise, Gonorrhea Lectim could eventually wipe out all life as we presently know it in Canada.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

Short jokes re: Canada

Q: What do you call a sophisticated American?/ A: Canadian.

Q: What are the two seasons of weather in Canada? / A: Six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? / A: “Sorry”

Q: How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians? / A: “Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?”

Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Canadian?/ A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.

Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?/ A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Q: Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk?/ A: The cow fell on him.

Q: Why did the Canadian cross the road? / A: He saw some American do it on TV.

Q: How do you know when a Canadian is going on a date? / A: The entire dog team has had a bath.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? / A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn’t translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

 

 

BONUS JOKE:  A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.  His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob.
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”

 

 

BONUS JOKE #2:  An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said the one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”

 

 

BONUS JOKE #3:  In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a fat lady. During the trip the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought – “That American idiot wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.”

The fat lady thought – “This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.”

The American thought – “That crazy Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.”

The Canadian thought – “I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again.”

Go ahead and laugh your way through the holiday weekend… Happy Canada Day!

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Top 10 Signs You are “Hockey-Crazy”

10 – You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a “pilgrimage.”

9 – Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.

8 – You can say “Khabibulin,” “Tkachuk,” “Jagr,” “Leschyshyn” and “Nikolishin” without getting tongue-tied.

7 – You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.

6 – You bake biscuits – burn them black – in dimensions of 3″ by 1.”

5 – Your closet is divided into 2 sections:  HOME and AWAY

4 – When someone says, “two minutes” you respond, “What for!?!”

3 – Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.

2 – All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.

 

And the # 1 sign that you are Hockey-Crazy is:

When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and chant, “He shoots!  He scores!”

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

PSA: Wear your helmet (you’ll enjoy this!)

The Danish Road Safety Council has produced a memorable PSA:  “Helmet has always been a good idea”

 

My thanks to good friend Susan Wright for forwarding this gem to us.

To see more on cycling, pedal through the By George Journal menu.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. And yes, Chris also would rather be cycling… #bikealmonte

 

 

 

25 Cycle Jokes

 

Q: What’s the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?

A: The pavement.

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a bike and a flower?

A: Bicycle petals!

 

Q: What do you call a professional cyclist who just broke up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless

 

A cyclist lying on his deathbed asked his best friend to do him a favour when he’d gone. “Anything,” replied his friend.
“Just don’t let my wife sell my bikes for what I told her I paid for them,” he begged.

 

My friend rode into a tree the other day racing round his back garden. Thankfully he was able to continue, his bark was worse than his bike.

 

 

The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Along comes a man who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking his horn and shouting at me. “PIG! PIG!!” he yelled. “PIG! PIG!!”

So I flipped him the finger and, as I buzzed by him, shouted back some things I dare not repeat. Still fuming about this awful man and his shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig.

 

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn’t believe me…

Until I rode pasta.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

A: Attire

 

Q: Why did the bicycle go to the psychiatrist?

A: It had cycle logical problems

 

Q: What do you call an artist who sculpts with bicycle parts?

A: Cycleangelo

 

 

Since things turned sour with my wife a fortnight ago, I’ve taken to riding 50 miles a day to clear my head. I’m now 700 miles from home and feeling much happier.

 

I used to pray every night for a bicycle. Then I realized the Lord doesn’t work like that. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 

A pedestrian steps off the curb and into the road without looking and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist. “You were really lucky there,” says the cyclist. “What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!” says the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head. The cyclist replies, “Well, usually I drive a bus!”

 

[Warning… there are two Dad jokes in a row.]

Q: What does a bicycle call its dad?

A: Pop-cycle

 

Q: My dad works for a company that makes bicycle wheels….

A: He’s the spokesman.

 

 

A tandem rider is stopped by the police. “What have I done wrong?” says the rider. “Perhaps you didn’t notice, sir, but your wife fell off half a mile back”. “Thank god for that,” says the rider. “I thought I’d gone deaf”.

 

Jack and Jill have just climbed a steep hill on their tandem. “Phew, that was a tough climb,” said Jill, leaning over, breathing hard. “That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it.” Replied Jack: “Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on or we’d have slid all the way back down!”

 

Your a Cycling Addict If

  • You hear someone had a crash and your first question is “How’s the bike?”
  • You empathize with the roadkill.
  • A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.
  • You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
  • You have more bike jerseys than dress shirts.
  • Your bike has more miles on it then your car’s odometer.
  • You use wax on your chain, but not on your car.
  • You take your bike along when you shop for a car – just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
  • You buy a mini-van and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bikes to fit.

 

I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike’s basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home. It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home.

 

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. “What’s in the bags?” asked the guard. “Sand,” the cyclist replied. “Get them off. We need to take a look.” The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city. “Hey, where have you been?” the guard asked. “You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won’t say a word. What was it?” The man smiled and told him the truth. “Bicycles!”

 

 

I made a bicycle out of scrapbooking supplies. It’s a stationery bike.

 

Q: How do you get a million dollars as a bicycle shop owner?

A: Start with two million.

 

I recently bought a bicycle that plays American music when you ride it. It’s called a Gerschwinn.

 

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what – regardless of rain, snow, or thunder. One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home. He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: “The weather is terrible outside.” Half awake the wife replies: “And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle.”

 

“I’ve really had it with my dog,” says a guy to his neighbour. “He’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”
“Hmmm, that is a problem,” says the neighbour. “What are you going to do about it?”
“Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!”

 

SOURCES:

https://www.cyclingweekly.com/news/latest-news/bestworst-cycling-jokes-304281

https://www.welovecycling.com/wide/2017/08/04/7-best-cycling-jokes/

https://upjoke.com/bicycle-jokes

http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/cyclingjokes.html

To see more on cycling, pedal through the By George Journal menu.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. And yes, Chris also would rather be cycling… #bikealmonte

 

#TinFoilHatBrigade

Here are a few humourous memes we have compiled under the title of the By George Journal’s #TinFoilHatBrigade. This collection and more will be shared on By George social media platforms through this up-coming week.

(For a sideways glance and background on this matter, click: On Conspiracy Theories and Tin Foil Hats.)

Chris George is an Ottawa-based government affairs advisor and wordsmith, president of CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. Contact: ChrisG.George@gmail.com

 

 

Listen here…

Having already downed a few power drinks,

she turned around, faced me, looked me

straight in the eye and said, “Listen here.

I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere,

their place, my place, in the car, front door,

back door, on the ground, standing up,

sitting down, naked or with clothes on…

It doesn’t matter to me I just love it.”

 

With my eyes now wide with interest

I responded,“No kidding…

I’m in Government too. 

Are you Provincial or Federal?”

 

Chris George is an Ottawa-based government affairs advisor and wordsmith, president of CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. Contact: ChrisG.George@gmail.com

Federal Elections Memes

The last two Canadian federal elections in 2015 and 2015 have seen increased use of memes on social media platforms — some funny, but most unkind. Here is a collection of some of the more popular Liberal and Conservative salvos that hit the mark for their partisan audiences.

 

Chris George is an Ottawa-based government affairs advisor and wordsmith, president of CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. Contact: ChrisG.George@gmail.com

 

 

Justin Trudeau memes re the #KokaneeGrope

Flashback July 2018

Headline news for the past week has been the reporting of this Spring’s worst-kept #MeToo secret in Ottawa – the unsolicited groping of a woman reporter years prior by Justin Trudeau. What has made this dated incident more of a story is our feminist prime minister’s seeming denial that anything happened.

Thus sprang forth the witty series of memes with hashtags: #KokaneeGrope and #TrudeauRemembers. These cheeky memes all repeat Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s retort when asked about the groping incident: “I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.”

This humour (unexpectedly) grabs you.

The Battle of Waterloo… 

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -Justin Bonaparte

The Battle of Little Bighorn…

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -General Justin Custer

The Ides of March…

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -Justin Caesar

The maiden Voyage of the Titanic April 15, 1912…

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -Captain Justin Smith

The French Revolution, October 16 1793…

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -Justin Antoinette

The Trial of Ned Stark…

“I had a good day that day. I don’t remember any negative interactions that day at all.” -Joffrey Trudeau

.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

If you were Prime Minister…

I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of Canada some day.

Both of her parents, NDP supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed, and said, “Welcome to the NDP Party!”

“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I told her. I continued, “But you don’t have to wait until you’re Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I smiled and said, “Welcome to the Conservative Party.”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

Chris George is an Ottawa-based government affairs advisor and wordsmith, president of CG&A COMMUNICATIONS. Contact: ChrisG.George@gmail.com