- One of the definitions of sanity is the ability to tell real from unreal. Soon we’ll need a new definition. — Alvin Toffler
- You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it. — Art Buchwald
- As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. — John Glenn
- When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. — Desmond Tutu
- Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. — Jean Rostand
- America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. — David Letterman
- Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. — Robin Hall
- After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. — Italian proverb
- Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. — Harrison Ford
- The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. — Spike Milligan
- The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. — George Roberts
- Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. — Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. — Betsy Salkind
- I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. — Zsa Zsa Gabor
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. — Johnny Carson - I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. — Arthur C. Clarke
- In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. — Jonathan Katz
(ed. – Thank you to Dick Inwood for sending me a continuous stream of laughs each week. It is much appreciated! – cg)