Category Archives: The Lighter Side

Humourous articles and classic jokes

6 more punny “shaggy dog” stories

1) The Nomads

In the great desert lived a bunch of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank, due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man’s strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beards, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, “Do you now remember the ancient legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware.”

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”

 

2) A Geneticist

A geneticist was working late one night, secretly perfecting his greatest project: a perfect clone of himself; an utter copy with no noticeable differences in personality or appearance. Having finished his work, the geneticist took off for Maui and sent his clone to work. Within days, reports came back from his friends in the know of bizarre behavior from his doppelganger. The duplicate had cussed out the boss and his receptionist, groped all members of the research team male and female, used the Xerox to copy his genitalia–sending the results to all the company’s affiliates–and concluded all handshakes by forcibly pressing the other’s hand against the general area of his nipple, then simulating canine-fashion copulation while saying “nice to -meat- ya!” The geneticist was terrified, and took the next plane back to the States. He confronted the clone in their twentieth story office, and braving a three minute uninterrupted litany of expletives, pushed the unreasonable double out the window, where he fell to his death.

The police arrived, and once the situation was explained, the geneticist laughed, disbelieving any statute covered the destruction of one’s genetic clone. After interviewing all concerned parties, the geneticist was arrested. The charge?

Making an obscene clone fall.

 

3) The Research Group

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world’s flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to sleep and to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)…

“Transporting mynahs across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.”

 

4) The Wasp Recording

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

“What seems to be the problem, sir?”

“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”

 

5) The String

So this string walks into a bar and sidles up to the bar. The string bangs on the bar and shouts “Bartender! Pour me a beer”

The bartender walks over to the string and sternly says “We don”t serve your kind in here.” The string says “What do you mean?”, so the bartender replies by pointing to a sign hanging over the bar. It reads “No strings served here”, so the string leaves

As he stands outside, he gets an idea. He bends over until the top of his head is hitting the ground. He rubs his head into the cement. Then, he grabs his feet and pulls them and twists them around his body and then around his body again. Then, he re-enters the bar

“Bartender! Pour me a beer” the string demands. The bartender walks up to him and angrily says “Look! I already told you. We don’t serve strings here!!”. The string, looking surprised says “String? You think I’m a string?” The bartender responds “Of course you’re a string. You were a string when you came in a minute ago, and you’re a string now!”

“I’m a frayed knot” replied the string.

 

6) The Dessert School

There once was a young man who lived on a farm. He wanted to get off the farm though, and dreamed of higher education as an escape from his surroundings. He was very industrious and saved every penny. Finally, he had saved enough to pay for tuition, and moved to the city to attend classes.

He decided to attend cooking school, and become a chef. He was quite adept at cooking as it turned out. Everyone at the school learned of his prowess, and made a point to taste his recipes whenever they had the chance. His real forte was as a dessert chef. He could turn out miracles with powdered sugar and fruit glazes. Charming the faculty with his skill, he graduated summa cum laude. Upon graduation, he was immediately snapped up by the fanciest gourmet restaurant in the city for their top dessert chef. He was instantly successful and his name became a household word, synonymous with the finest desserts available.

Eventually, the chef decided to give back to the community, and opened a cooking school of his own. This school would be intended as the premier dessert institute of all times. New and exciting ideas would be developed at the school. He decided in particular he would like to explore the use of caramel in dessert making. Also, he really wanted to push the envelope on what could be used in a dessert. However, it seemed he bit off more than than he could chew (no, this is not the pun). The chef’s ego had grown with his reputation, and he had let his success get to his head. Prideful and arrogant, he believed his critics to be peasants without taste, and kept making desserts like caramel-covered prime rib, mustard flavored caramels, caramel-filled okra, and tuna caramel casserole. Once his adoring fans, his audience now deserted him (that’s not the pun either). But his pride would not let him back down, and he railed against his critics as he kept teaching students to make atrocities against the palate and caramel in general. Finally, when the chef produced his caramel-injected haggis, the city had had enough. They petitioned the city to revoke his business license for his institute. The city administrators did them one better however, and cited the chef with disturbing the peace. The charge?

“For an awful caramel college.”

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

2 dozen great puns

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

(ed. – Thank you to Dick Inwood – a very punny man! And for more puns, here are some archived posts to groan at.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Punny stuff

  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
  • Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
  • Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  • When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
  • A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
  • She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
  • Every calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted – Taint yours and taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  • Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Admittedly, at By George, we are huge fans of punny material. So, we wish to convey are appreciation to our friend Dick Inwood of Ottawa, who recently sent us several e-mails with streams of puns and turn-of-phrases. Thanks Dick!

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Puns for Educated Minds

  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
  • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
  • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
  • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
  • I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
  • Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
  • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
  • When chemists die, apparently they barium.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
  • When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
  • Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
  • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • Velcro – what a rip off !

 

(ed. – Thank you to our friend and chief punster Dick Inwood for this Friday amusement.)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

An unemployable bloke’s lament

This punny story is found in our very own By George Treasury:

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned . . . couldn’t concentrate.  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.  Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.  I attempted to be a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.  I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.  Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.  I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.  I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.  So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as an historian, until I realized there was no future in it.  My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.  So, I recently retired and I found I’m perfect for the job!

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

Our 10 FAV Memes of Pun-Fun Week

We have had a lot of fun at By George sharing punny material through the past week. We received a great many memes through email and here are our top 10 – and we thank all our followers who participated in our antics!!

 

Join us at the By George Journal on Facebook and Twitter. Enjoy our daily injections of provocative posts.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

More Punny Memes

Again, it was great that By George followers shared so many punny memes this past week. Here are another 10 of the memorable ones.

Join us at the By George Journal on Facebook and Twitter. Enjoy our daily injections of provocative posts.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Canadian quips on politics

“Here’s a little tip for politicians everywhere: If you find yourselves with more time than issues on your hands, go home.” – Lorne Gunter

“Power is a drug on which the politicians are hooked. They buy it from the voters, using the voters’ own money.” – Richard Needham

“Canada is divided by great mountains, great prairies, Great Lakes, and eleven governments that really grate.” – Hugh W. Arscott

“Power tends to connect; absolute power connects absolutely.” – Peter Newman

“The only farewells that politicians handle well are deaths. You can hear some excellent eulogies in the House of Commons.” – Carol Goar

“Ottawa feels a lot like Hollywood these days.” – Tim Powers

“If America was trying to keep the bubonic plague out of its hemisphere, Canadians would import it just to show their independence of American foreign policy.” – Barbara Amiel

“Canadians live with liberal rhetoric, but we conduct our lives as social conservatives.” – David Crombie

“The political parties of any era have always had groupings or clubbings of people whose raise d’etre has been for that party to win. That’s not new.” – Tim Powers

“Like an episode of Seinfeld, Canadian politics has become a show about nothing.” – Alex Himelfarb

 

This collection originally appeared in By George Journaal in January 2017.

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

News Flash: Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly thereafter, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, a member of Newfoundland’s Dept. of Mines and Resources reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in Corner Brook, Newfoundland – Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless.”

Just makes one damn proud to be Canadian, eh?

(ed. – This gem is from our friend Dick Inwood, who is a constant source of merriment around our office. Thank you Dick.)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Sideways quips on politics

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. – Winston Churchill

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. – P.J. O’Rourke

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else. – Frederic Bastiat

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. – Will Rogers

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. – Voltaire

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! – Pericles

If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. – Mark Twain

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government. – John Adams

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. – Douglas Casey (classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University)

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. – Mark Twain

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. – Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. – Mark Twain

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. – Aesop

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! – P.J. O’Rourke

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. – Edward Langley

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. – Thomas Jefferson

Talk is cheap…except when government does it. – Anonymous

 

(ed. – Thanks to our Ottawa friend Dick Inwood for this series of humourous political quotes.)

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Will Rogers on politics

 

  • Liberty don’t work near as good in practice as it does in speeches.
  • Nobody wants his cause near as bad as he wants to talk about his cause.
  • Common sense is not an issue in politics; it’s an affliction.
  • If you’re riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
  • If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
  • Last year we said. “Things can’t go on like this,” and they didn’t, they got worse.
  • People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.
  • The business of government is to keep the government out of business – that is, unless business needs government aid.
  • The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.
  • There’s no trick to being a humourist when you have the whole government working for you.

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Dead Horse Theory of Bureaucracy

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”

However, in the Canadian Government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that because the dead horse doesn’t have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and, therefore, contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course…

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it hereOrder your copy here.

Of monkeys and the village (a costly lesson)

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each.  This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.  In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

(Now you have a better understanding of how stockbrokers work.)

.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

There was this lawyer and this insurance company…

So, there was this lawyer and this insurance company in the United States. This is their story.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE STORY…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in a Criminal Lawyers Award contest. This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.

(ed. – Thank you to Dick Inwood for sending this gem to our attention.)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Educational E-mails (that’ll drive you around the bend)

Dear Friend,

     As we progress into 2020, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

     I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat dung in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 

     ALSO, now I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.  I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

     Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

     So, now, if you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because I was told in an email that it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician!

     Oh, and by the way… a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. (Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late!)

Yours Truly,

 

P. S. – I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

(ed. – Thanks to our friend Dick Inwood for sharing this laugh!) 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

“The Epic” Political Jokes & Quotes Book

Here is “the epic” collection of political jokes from the campaign trail.

By George is re-publishing its political jokes and quotes book with many more jokes and feature sections so that we can laugh all the way through the nightly news.

This 150-page-plus e-book is bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. The collection has some of the absolute best classics. It also has a selection of the most humourist and provocative memes culled from Facebook and Twitter.

Epic Political Jokes & Quotes will put a smile on your face, one page after another. For many, it is a sure tonic for surviving the heighten rhetoric of our political leaders. For politicos, this is a great resource that you can pull material from for your next Party event.

Order your e-copy of  Epic Political Jokes & Quotes from the By George E-Bookshelf

The e-copy is sent as a pdf, suitable to open on your mobile device or lap-top, and easily downloaded to enjoy on your Kindle Reader. 

 

Liberals in Hell

While walking down the street one day, a Liberal politician was tragically hit by a truck and died. His soul arrived in heaven and was met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” said the Liberal.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” said the Liberal politician.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And, with that, St. Peter escorts the Liberal to the elevator and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance was a club and standing in front of it were all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone was very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster and caviar. Also present was the Devil (like him, a Liberal), who really was a very friendly guy who had a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They were having such a good time that, before he realized it, it was time to go.  Everyone gave him a big hug and waved while he entered the elevator. The elevator went up, up, up and the door reopened on Heaven where St. Peter was waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit Heaven,” said St. Peter. The Liberal politician joined a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realized it, the 24 hours were gone by and St. Peter returned.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity,” said St. Peter.

After barely a minute of reflection, the Liberal politician answered: “Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven was delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted the politician to the elevator and he went down to Hell. Then the doors of the elevator opened and suddenly he found himself in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He saw all of his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil came over to the Liberal and laid an arm on his neck.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the Liberal politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at him, smiled, and said, “But yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

 

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it hereOrder your copy here.

Why did the chicken cross the road? (American Version)

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road, therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

RALPH NADER: The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I’ve not been told!

MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

 

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it hereOrder your copy here.