Tag Archives: office humour

Zen Teachings (not)

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $100 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse. Then things just keep getting worse.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

(ed. – Thank you to our friend Dick Inwood, who has sent us these tongue-in-cheek zen musings to help us laugh through our day.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Moral of the Farmer’s Donkey

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One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

The moral of the story: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.

And so, the donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

And the corollary to this moral: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

(ed. – Thanks goes again to Dick Inwood)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Skillfully Done

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Here’s an illustrious powerplay if ever there was one. Follow closely…

DAD: Son, you have to get married. I have a girl for you.

SON: Not possible!! I don’t want to marry.

DAD: Think twice son. She is Bill Gates’ daughter!

SON: Ok Dad, I am ready!

(Dad goes to Bill Gate)

DAD: My son wants to marry your daughter!

BILL GATES: Not possible!

DAD: Think twice, my son is the CEO of Swiss Bank.

BILL GATES: Well, she’s ready!

(Dad goes to Swiss Bank Bank)

DAD: Make my son the CEO of your Bank!

BANK: Not possible!

DAD: Think twice, he is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.

BANK: Your son’s job is confirmed!

Is this not a great example of superlative management skills!?

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Borowitz on a Friday morning!

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Andy Borowitz is a New York Times best-selling author and a comedian who writes in The Borowitz Report in The New Yorker. These two priceless Borowitz columns first appeared in The New Yorker…

Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.

“These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. “And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive.”

More worryingly, Logsdon said, “As facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful.”

While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain. “The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified,” Logsdon said.

While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Logsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. “Our research is very preliminary, but it’s possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,” he said.

Many in Nation Tired of Explaining Things to Idiots

Many Americans are tired of explaining things to idiots, particularly when the things in question are so painfully obvious, a new poll indicates.

According to the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, while millions have been vexed for some time by their failure to explain incredibly basic information to dolts, that frustration has now reached a breaking point.

Of the many obvious things that people are sick and tired of trying to get through the skulls of stupid people, the fact that climate change will cause catastrophic habitat destruction and devastating extinctions tops the list, with a majority saying that they will no longer bother trying to explain this to cretins.

Coming in a close second, statistical proof that gun control has reduced gun deaths in countries around the world is something that a significant number of those polled have given up attempting to break down for morons.

Finally, a majority said that trying to make idiots understand why a flag that symbolizes bigotry and hatred has no business flying over a state capitol only makes the person attempting to explain this want to put his or her fist through a wall.

In a result that suggests a dismal future for the practice of explaining things to idiots, an overwhelming number of those polled said that they were considering abandoning such attempts altogether, with a broad majority agreeing with the statement, “This country is exhausting.”

And that should get you through Friday with a smile!

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Things we can learn from a dog

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Never pretend to be something you’re not.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and hang your head and pout. Run right back into the fray and make friends.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

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Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Classic insults and barbs

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These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four-letter words. When writers and speakers pondered upon words and weighed each of them before making a sentence.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. – Winston Churchill
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. – Clarence Darrow
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it. – Moses Hadas
I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. – Mark Twain
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. – Oscar Wilde
I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here. – Stephen Bishop
He is a self-made man and worships his creator. – John Bright
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial. – Irvin S. Cobb
He’s not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others. – Samuel Johnson
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. – Paul Keating
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. – Charles, Count Talleyrand
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. – Forrest Tucker
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? – Mark Twain
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. – Mae West
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts … For support rather than illumination. – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx
There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure. – Jack E. Leonard
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. – Robert Redford
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. – Thomas Brackett Reed
He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. – Billy Wilder
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. – Abraham Lincoln
He’s a modest little person, with much to be modest about. – Winston Churchill
I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend … if you have one. – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one. – Winston Churchill (in response)
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband, I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Def’n of “Political Correctness”

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Here is a morning smile to explain the essence of the term ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’.

One of the original definitions for this overused modern term is found in four telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. The following is the exchange of telegrams between then President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945.

Note that the contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war – not a word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

(ed. – Our thanks for this morning smile goes out to friend Dick Inwood who keeps us laughing here.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Making Everything OK on a Friday

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T.G.I.F.! Yes?!

If it has been a long week, the By George scribes have found something that will make everything okay!

With a simple click of a button – click here – you can do away with the troubles of the week and launch yourself into a weekend of rest and relaxation.

(We advise you to bookmark this resource – and use it as often as needed.)

From the offices at By George, have a great weekend.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

10 Rules for a Modern-Day Skeptic

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Here is a tongue-in-cheek list of rules for those who wish to maintain a skeptical outlook.

# 1 – Do not let what you think get in the way of what you see.

# 2 – Do not let what you see determine what you think, for appearances are deceptive.

# 3 – Be omnivorous in your tastes.

# 4 – The only way to see something whole is from several points of view.

# 5 – The closer you come to reality the more it is a mystery, and the more unimaginable it is that you or anything else exists.

# 6 – The only truth is in scrupulous satisfaction over time.

# 7 – Develop principles that you are willing to abandon, but not easily.

# 8 – When anything is too sacred to joke about, the cause is fear.

# 9 – If you are skeptical of faith and reason, what is left as a basis for decision? Everything, so long as you are prepared to be wrong.

# 10 – Death is the sunlight that makes all things visible.

Laws of our Modern Day Workplace

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Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Antithesis – When you try to demonstrate how something works to someone, it won’t.

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about (often used by all levels of management).

The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Two Tools – You only need two tools in life – WD40 & duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the duct tape.

Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to go to the washroom.

Law of Gravity – Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the length of the reach.

Law of the Event – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Variation Law – If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (this also occurs in checkout lines).

A Goodbye to the Irreplaceable David Letterman

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letterman

Last night was, well, the last night… After a total of 6,028 The Late Show broadcasts, David Letterman signed off with class: “The only thing I have left to do for the last time on a television program is say thank you and good night.”

And here’s the final tweet from The Late Show – Thank you and goodnight -David Letterman #ThanksDave

In tribute to David’s remarkable career, the By George Journal provides the following links for you to enjoy…

David Letterman’s Monologue – 5/20/15

David Letterman’s Final Thank You and Good Night

‘Our long national nightmare is over’: Letterman signs off after 33-year run

David Letterman’s departure marks end of an era

Top 10 questions about Letterman’s beloved Top Ten

By George Journal post: David Letterman and Top 10 Lists

David Letterman’s final Top 10 list before retirement

For the record, here is the very last of the Letterman’s Top Ten lists…

The category was “Things I’ve Always Wanted to Say to Dave.”

10. Alec Baldwin: “Of all the talk shows, yours was the most geographically convenient to my home.”

9. Barbara Walters: “Did you know you wear the same cologne as Moammar Gadhafi?”

8. Steve Martin: “Your extensive plastic surgery was a necessity and a mistake.”

7. Jerry Seinfeld: “I have no idea what I’ll do when you go off the air. You know, I just thought of something. I’ll be fine.”

6. Jim Carrey: “Honestly, Dave, I’ve always found you to be a bit of an over-actor.”

5. Chris Rock: “I’m just glad your show is being given to a white guy.”

4. Julia Louis-Dreyfus: “Thanks for letting me take part in another hugely disappointing series finale.”

3. Peyton Manning: “You are to comedy what I am to … comedy.”

2. Tina Fey: “Thanks for finally proving men can be funny.”

1. Bill Murray: “Dave, I’ll never have the money I owe you.”

For more highlights and unforgettable clips from the show, visit the official The Late Show YouTube channel:
Late Show with David Letterman

Thank you David Letterman for all the laughs and all the memories!

Bullsh#t Bingo for the workplace

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Annoyed at having to suffer your co-workers uttering, day in and day out, over-used catch-phrases? Ready to jump over the meeting table or scream out loud the next time somebody says “We got to go after the low hanging fruit.”?

Unfortunately, our workplaces are littered with buzzwords and phrases. You just need to laugh at it all… and why not consider playing bullsh#t bingo? With a bingo card in hand, it is highly likely, you will actually begin to yearn to hear those annoying statements.

Here’s how you play. Take a blank bingo card and place one of your workplace catch-phrases in each of the squares. Then mark each block when you see or hear the choice words and phrases. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSH#T!!!”.

Here is a link to print off blank cards.

(ed. – This also makes a great drinking game and for every block you mark off, take a sip, and finish your drink each time you get five blocks in a row.)

Here is an example of annoying workplace phrases that could be used on a card:

At the end of the day
Back to the drawing board
Hit the ground running
Get the ball rolling
Low-hanging fruit
Throw under the bus
Think outside the box
Let’s touch base
Get my manager’s blessing
It’s on my radar
Ping me
I don’t have the bandwidth
No brainer
Par for the course
Bang for your buck
Synergy
Move the goal post
Apples to apples
Win-win
Circle back around
All hands on deck
Take this offline
Drill-down
Elephant in the room
On my plate

Playing an on-going bullsh#t bingo game with your colleagues can make each workday exciting. It certainly takes the edge off the repetitive use of buzzwords.

Let us know what key catch-phrases will be a fixture on your bingo card? And let us know how you make out in the game.

Daftisms (to be pondered on a Monday morning)

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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Daily Affirmations for the Office

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In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

Cubical-Dwellers’ inspiration

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bg259 For all cubical-dwellers, here is some Monday morning inspiration to get you started this week…

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Proverbs for today’s world

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Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he will be a mile away – and barefoot.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you are too open minded, your brains will fall out.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Going to church does not make you a Christian, any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
If you choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Always yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Questions to divert your attention

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We have all seen these types of lists of questions. Rhetorical. Silly. Puzzling. All designed to simply divert your attention (or that person you have chosen to bug) from the task at hand.

So, here’s a list. You can put your pen down or turn your device on mute. Take the time to enjoy these diversions. Consider the following questions:

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you “in” a movie, but you’re “on” TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway…
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs – you knew the answer, didn’t you?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Or the elevator button thinking it will reach your floor faster?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then what does that say about you?

(ed. – Thank you to our friend Dick Inwood, who succeeds in keeping us amused each and every day.)

The Monkey Policy

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Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not? Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how ‘the status quo’ begins.

(ed. – This post has been previously published a few times in By George Journal, first in 2008.)

David Letterman and Top 10 Lists

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From our recent post about pop culture happenings of 30 years ago, we see that David Letterman started his famous “Top-10 Lists” in 1985.

This year, sadly, the popular late-night talk-show host will be airing his last show in May. And we will regrettably lose our nightly source of off-the-wall lists.

In advance of this final countdown towards that last Late Night with David Letterman show, here are some Top 10 lists about the man, his show and the lists themselves.

David_Letterman

TOP 10 REASONS WE’LL MISS DAVID LETTERMAN

10. He made list-making seem effortless. It is not.
9. Someone has to take care of Paul Shaffer, and it will not be us
8. He is not above taking a selfie with his successor
7. Alan Kalter
6. We got all our news from “Know Your Current Events”
5. That insane extortion scandal that no one seems to remember
4. CBS Mailbag
3. Stupid Pet Tricks
2. Stupid Human Tricks
1. The best grin in late-night

Slate.com has recently compiled its own list of why we will miss Letterman’s zany ability to produce Top 10 lists:

TOP 10 THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT LETTERMAN’S TOP TEN LISTS

10. Their topicality
9. Their absurdity
8. Their longevity
7. Their irreverence
6. Their silliness
5. Their brevity
4. Their self-deprecation
3. Their surprise
2. Their reliability
1. Regis.

Slate also compiled statistical information about Letterman’s work. Here is what they found of the statistical analysis of every Top Ten List ever read – more than 4,100 lists from September 1985 to September 2014.

Here are the top 10 celebrities mentioned in Letterman’s Top Ten Lists.

10. Kathie Lee Gifford
9. Martha Stewart
8. Richard Simmons
7. Larry King
6. Michael Jackson
5. Madonna
4. Donald Trump
3. O.J. Simpson
2. Oprah Winfrey
1. Regis Philbin

Here are the Top 10 politicians mentioned the most in Letterman’s Top Ten Lists.

10. Newt Gingrich
9. George H.W. Bush
8. Barack Obama
7. Dan Quayle
6. Saddam Hussein
5. Dick Cheney
4. Al Gore
3. Hillary Clinton
2. George W. Bush
1. Bill Clinton

Finally, if you are a fan of the man, you will love this collection of photos compiled by CBS: Letterman through the Years.

(ed. – Here are the sources for the above lists: National Post and Slate. The photo is from Wikipedia via the Creative Commons, with photo credit attribution: By Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff from Washington D.C, United States (110613-N-TT977-230))