10 comments sure to turn heads in your office

  1. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  2. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  3. Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  4. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  5. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  6. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  It appears your desk is a work station.
  7. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  8. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  9. Okay, whatever. I’ve learned never to argue with an idiot.  He’ll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  10. I thought you wanted a career, turns out you just wanted pay checks.

 

(ed. – To clarify, this column is meant to be humourist and it is not advisable to actually utter these phrases to your co-workers – especially to superiors. Use at your own risk.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

An unemployable bloke’s lament

This punny story is found in our very own By George Treasury:

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned . . . couldn’t concentrate.  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.  Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.  I attempted to be a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

 

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.  I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.  Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.  I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.  I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.  So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

 

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as an historian, until I realized there was no future in it.  My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.  So, I recently retired and I found I’m perfect for the job!

 

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

Really, there’s nothing like a good pun

A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from….

Finally, it dawned on him.

PUNS – we swear they make the world spin counter-clockwise. We absolutely love to hear that groan…. Here are three that will have your colleagues and friends looking sideways.

#1 – A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, the biologist was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

#2 – An Inuit out hunting seals in his boat found that his feet were beginning to freeze. Carefully shaving off little strips of wood from the frame he was able to get enough fuel to start a small fire by his feet. Unfortunately the hide covering of the boat caught on fire as well and his entire craft was consumed by flames. This goes to prove that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

#3 – A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

 

(ed. – Have you heard a good pun lately? Pass it on!)

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

 

A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England ‘s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7). For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant…..

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility.

The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.

The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars…… and no one even knows his name.

(ed. – This news story was from the London Times – sent to us by our friend in Ottawa, Dick Inwood. Of course, it got us thinking of making an easy buck and retiring… )

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Dead Horse Theory

dead-horseThis theory is sometimes referred to as “Government’s Political Correctness.” Here’s the predicament:

 

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount, then get another horse.” However, in Government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

  • buying a stronger whip
  • changing riders
  • appointing a committee to study the horse
  • arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses
  • lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included
  • reclassifying the dead horse as “Living-impaired”
  • hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse
  • harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed
  • providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance
  • doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance
  • declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses
  • rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses
  • (and, the choicest strategy) promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Government officials will also look to the root causes of the predicament before taking any action, i.e. what kind of parents it had, the horse’s colour, his socioeconomic background, perhaps the horse was bullied, or his mother was single, etc.

It is no wonder that, for some time now, government workers’ saddest refrain has been: It’s been so lonely in the saddle since my horse died…

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Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

It’s the Ides of March – Enjoy

ides_of_march

For your morning smile today, here’s Canadian content that will help to celebrate the Ides of March.

Our infamous comedy team of Canucks, John Wayne and Frank Shuster, did a memorable skit of the assassination of Julius Caesar, in which Caesar’s wife keeps screeching “I told him, Julie, don’t go!” Even dated some three decades and more, “Rinse the Blood Off My Toga” is priceless.

If you take the Ides of March seriously, you might rather view the classic encounter between Julius Caesar and the fateful seer on the day Caesar was betrayed. Here is the timeless scene as re-created in a recent film version of the Shakespearean play.

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Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer or experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Valentine’s Wishes – from the Prez

Here are some of By George’s favourite Valentine wishes from President Donald Trump.

Have a huuuge day!

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(ed. – Right click on the image and “copy”. Go ahead and spread the love today!) 

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Zen Teachings (not)

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
  2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
  3. No one is listening until you fart.
  4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
  7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  10. If you lend someone $100 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
  11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
  13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
  14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.
  15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
  17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
  18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse. Then things just keep getting worse.
  20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

(ed. – Thank you to our friend Dick Inwood, who has sent us these tongue-in-cheek zen musings to help us laugh through our day.)

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

The Moral of the Farmer’s Donkey

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

The moral of the story: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

  1. Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
  2. Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.
  3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
  4. Give more.
  5. Expect less.

And so, the donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

And the corollary to this moral: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

(ed. – Thanks goes again to Dick Inwood)

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Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

Skillfully Done

Here’s an illustrious powerplay if ever there was one. Follow closely…

 

DAD: Son, you have to get married. I have a girl for you.

SON: Not possible!! I don’t want to marry.

DAD: Think twice son. She is Bill Gates’ daughter!

SON: Ok Dad, I am ready!

 

(Dad goes to Bill Gate)

 

DAD: My son wants to marry your daughter!

BILL GATES: Not possible!

DAD: Think twice, my son is the CEO of Swiss Bank.

BILL GATES: Well, she’s ready!

 

(Dad goes to Swiss Bank Bank)

 

DAD: Make my son the CEO of your Bank!

BANK: Not possible!

DAD: Think twice, he is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.

BANK: Your son’s job is confirmed!

 

Is this not a great example of superlative management skills!?

 

Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.