Tag Archives: office humour

Questions to divert your attention

We have all seen these types of lists of questions. Rhetorical. Silly. Puzzling. All designed to simply divert your attention (or that person you have chosen to bug) from the task at hand.

So, here’s a list. You can put your pen down or turn your device on mute. Take the time to enjoy these diversions. Consider the following questions:

  • How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  • Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
  • Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  • What disease did cured ham actually have?
  • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  • Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
  • Why are you “in” a movie, but you’re “on” TV?
  • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  • Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway…
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
  • Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs – you knew the answer, didn’t you?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  • Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Or the elevator button thinking it will reach your floor faster?
  • Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  • Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  • Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  • Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
  • Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  • Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  • Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  • How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
  • Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  • In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  • How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
  • The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then what does that say about you?

 

(ed. – Thank you to our friend Dick Inwood, who succeeds in keeping us amused each and every day.)

The Monkey Policy

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when any monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not? Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how ‘the status quo’ begins.

 

(ed. – This post has been previously published a few times in By George Journal, first in 2008.)

David Letterman and Top 10 Lists

From our recent post about pop culture happenings of 30 years ago, we see that David Letterman started his famous “Top-10 Lists” in 1985.

This year, sadly, the popular late-night talk-show host will be airing his last show in May. And we will regrettably lose our nightly source of off-the-wall lists.

In advance of this final countdown towards that last Late Night with David Letterman show, here are some Top 10 lists about the man, his show and the lists themselves.

David_Letterman

TOP 10 REASONS WE’LL MISS DAVID LETTERMAN

10. He made list-making seem effortless. It is not.
9. Someone has to take care of Paul Shaffer, and it will not be us
8. He is not above taking a selfie with his successor
7. Alan Kalter
6. We got all our news from “Know Your Current Events”
5. That insane extortion scandal that no one seems to remember
4. CBS Mailbag
3. Stupid Pet Tricks
2. Stupid Human Tricks
1. The best grin in late-night

Slate.com has recently compiled its own list of why we will miss Letterman’s zany ability to produce Top 10 lists:

TOP 10 THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT LETTERMAN’S TOP TEN LISTS

10. Their topicality
9. Their absurdity
8. Their longevity
7. Their irreverence
6. Their silliness
5. Their brevity
4. Their self-deprecation
3. Their surprise
2. Their reliability
1. Regis.

Slate also compiled statistical information about Letterman’s work. Here is what they found of the statistical analysis of every Top Ten List ever read – more than 4,100 lists from September 1985 to September 2014.

Here are the top 10 celebrities mentioned in Letterman’s Top Ten Lists.

10. Kathie Lee Gifford
9. Martha Stewart
8. Richard Simmons
7. Larry King
6. Michael Jackson
5. Madonna
4. Donald Trump
3. O.J. Simpson
2. Oprah Winfrey
1. Regis Philbin

Here are the Top 10 politicians mentioned the most in Letterman’s Top Ten Lists.

10. Newt Gingrich
9. George H.W. Bush
8. Barack Obama
7. Dan Quayle
6. Saddam Hussein
5. Dick Cheney
4. Al Gore
3. Hillary Clinton
2. George W. Bush
1. Bill Clinton

Finally, if you are a fan of the man, you will love this collection of photos compiled by CBS: Letterman through the Years.

(ed. – Here are the sources for the above lists: National Post and Slate. The photo is from Wikipedia via the Creative Commons, with photo credit attribution: By Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff from Washington D.C, United States (110613-N-TT977-230))

 

An Obituary for Common Sense

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This obituary was printed in the London Times and it is absolutely dead brilliant.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
– Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
– Why the early bird gets the worm;
– Life isn’t always fair;
– And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death;
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
– I Know My Rights
– I Want It Now
– Someone Else Is To Blame
– I’m A Victim
– Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

(ed. – Thank you to our friend Dick Inwood who forwarded this to our attention. I am certain we have all seen this or something similar before, but it is well worth repeating.)

Daily Affirmations for the Office

  • In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
  • I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
  • I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
  • I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  • I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
  • As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
  • When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
  • Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
  • My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
  • I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
  • I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
  • Joan of Arc heard voices too.
  • Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
  • I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
  • Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
  • A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
  • I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
  • False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
  • I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  • The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

(ed. – This is a re-post that originally appeared in the By George Journal in October 2009.)

 

Breakdown of a Corporate Structure

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD: Leaps tall building in a single bound; is more powerful than a locomotive; is faster than a speeding bullet; walks on water; discusses policy with God.

PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings in a single bound; is more powerful than a switch engine; is just as fast as a speeding bullet; walks on water if the sea is calm; talks with God.

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT: Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds; is almost as powerful as a switch engine; is faster than a speeding BB; walks on water in an indoor swimming pool; talks with God if special request is approved.

VICE PRESIDENT: Barely clears a Quonset hut; loses tug-of-war with a locomotive; can fire a speeding bullet; swims well; is occasionally addressed by God.

GENERAL MANAGER: Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings; is run over by locomotive; can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury; dog paddles; talks to animals.

MANAGER: Runs into buildings; recognizes locomotive two out of three times; is not issued ammunition; can’t stay afloat with a life preserver; talks to walls.

TRAINEE: Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building; says “look at the choo-choo”; wets him/herself with a water pistol; plays in mud puddles; mumbles to him/herself.

SECRETARY: Lifts buildings and walks under them; kicks locomotives off the tracks; catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth; freezes water with a single glance; is God.

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Sideway Glances of #RobFord

Admittedly, we too got caught up in the 30-minute-Twitter-frenzy following Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s press conference late afternoon yesterday. Here are 10 of the more colourful tweets from the @ByGeorgeJournal feed.

  • @splomgirl – I felt like my eyes were going to roll out of my head while scrolling through my twitterfeed of Rob Ford’s transcript.
  • @brycebaril – I can’t help but hear Meatloaf when I hear Rob Ford’s speech. “I would do anything for Toronto, but I won’t step down…”
  • @acarvin – This whole Rob Ford mess is like a Chris Farley SNL sketch that never, ever ends….  #TOpoli
  • @ByGeorgeJournal – Very funny. #LOL – RT @davidakin – “It’s a little unorthodox as re-election launches go.” #topoli
  • @slilleyman – Good news you guys! Via @VanityFair: Rob Ford’s Crack-Apology Football Tie Now Available on eBay
  • @ArwenLong – I can’t stop tweeting about #RobFord. But I’m not an addict. I can stop at any time. #TOpoli
  • @Naparstek – Toronto’s corrupt, corpulent, Cadillac-driving Rob Ford is the perfect embodiment of the demise the North American suburb.
  • @gmbutts – So congratulations, Rob Ford, for outdoing all previous Hogtown Mayors. You’ve made Toronto the centre of the universe. #TOpoli
  • @Irene680News – Not every day #CNN carries a presser from ##Toronto live, #RobFord has the world talking pic.twitter.com/lQbzDPPPWz
  • @ByGeorgeJournal – Agreed! #LOL – RT @RosieBarton “After today no one is allowed to say bombshell on the news ever again. ok?”

And we RT-ed a few serious questions…

  • @IvisonJ – Perennial questions for anyone in power: Where did your power come from? In whose interests do you exercise it? To whom are you accountable?
  • @rosalyndawn – Critical question for #cdnpoli types: How can we get voters -young voters esp- to take the political process seriously amid so much scandal?

Consider following @ByGeorgeJournal on Twitter

(ed. – Photo credit: Michelle Siu for the National Post)

Funny and Interesting Facts – don’t you know?

Here are a few facts that can be used as great conversation-starters in the office, or at your next social function.  Did you know…?

  • In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
  • Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
  • It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
  • A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
  • A ball of glass will bounce higher than a ball of rubber. A ball of solid steel will bounce higher than one made entirely of glass.
  • A person can live without food for about a month, but only about a week without water. If the amount of water in your body is reduced by just 1%, you’ll feel thirsty and if it’s reduced by 10%, you’ll die.
  • The average person laughs 10 times a day!
  • More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
  • Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
  • A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
  • Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.
  • Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
  • Skunks can accurately spray their smelly fluid as far as ten feet.
  • Sloths take two weeks to digest their food.
  • Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
  • Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.
  • Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
  • The porpoise is second to man as the most intelligent animal on the planet. These two species are the only ones that have sex for pleasure.
  • Every person has a unique tongue print as well as fingerprints.
  • It is impossible to lick your elbow.

 

SOURCE:  Hundreds of funny and interesting facts can be found here: Laughter Hell

 

10 comments sure to turn heads in your office

  • AhoHgMyCQAAV0GWIf I agreed with you we’d both be wrong. 
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
  • Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.   
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.  It appears your desk is a work station. 
  • Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 
  • Okay, whatever. I’ve learned never to argue with an idiot.  He’ll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 
  • I thought you wanted a career, turns out you just wanted pay checks. 

(ed. – To clarify, this column is meant to be humourist and it is not advisable to actually utter these phrases to your co-workers – especially to superiors. Use at your own risk.  BTW – this humour is a repost, originally appearing in By George Journal in March 2011.)

Laws of our Modern Day Workplace

Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Antithesis – When you try to demonstrate how something works to someone, it won’t.

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about (often used by all levels of management).

The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Two Tools – You only need two tools in life – WD40 & duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the duct tape.

Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to go to the washroom.

Law of Gravity – Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the length of the reach.

Law of the Event – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Variation Law – If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (this also occurs in checkout lines).

 

(ed. – This is a repost that first appeared in By George Journal in January 2010 – here.)

 

Inspirational Sayings for the “Cubicle Existence”

  • Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
  • If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
  • Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
  • A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.
  • Plagiarism saves time.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
  • TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
  • The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  • Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
  • We waste time, so you don’t have to.
  • Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
  • Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
  • A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
  • When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
  • INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
    Succeed in spite of management.
  • Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

 

This is one of the many humourous one-pagers that you will find in our Bulletin Board Wisdom Collection, available free in our By George Store – to print off, pin up, and distributed to friends and co-workers.

10 Super Zingers

These humourous zingers are to be said with attitude:  

  • Everyone’s entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the privilege.
  • I can only please one person per day so today is not your day and tomorrow doesn’t look good either.
  • Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
  • The tongue weighs practically nothing….but few people can hold it.
  • Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
  • Don’t bother to wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty but the pig likes it.
  • Obviously, the closest thing you will ever come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle.
  • If you need space then join NASA, baby.
  • Did you fall out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down?
  • You just lost the chance you never had.
  • Hey, your village just called and they’re missing their idiot.

15 Favourite “Crusty” Workplace Comments

  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • This isn’t an office – it’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  • Yes, he’s a PBS mind in an MTV world.
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  • Not the brightest crayon/tool in the box now, are we?
  • Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
  • I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • Is it time for your medication or mine?
  • Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  • There’s too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • I plead contemporary insanity.
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

10 Signs Your PR Career is Coming to an End

Here are 10 tell-tale signs that your public relations career is coming to an end – and that you should be turning your thoughts to retirement. 

  1. You not only know what a type writer is, you can remember how to change the ribbon.
  2. You cherish the memory of not having a cell phone, and still being able to get the job done. 
  3. When you drove to a client meeting, you jotted down the odometer readings from your dashboard so you could get reimbursed for travel. No Mapquest or GPS.
  4. You remember planning press conferences when reporters actually showed up.
  5. You remember the days when you actually spoke to reporters on the phone and faxed press releases to the newsrooms.
  6. When you called a newsroom to pitch stories, they were staffed by 12 full-time people, four weekend reporters, and a sports department that worked around-the-clock.  
  7. You know what a Rolodex is, and envied the overstuffed one of that grizzled media relations bigfoot down the hall.
  8. There was only 1 kind of mail. Spam was edible. Twitter was for the birds.
  9. Viral meant you needed to go home and get plenty of bed rest. 
  10. When asked how long you’ve been in the field, you have to pinch yourself. Then you begin to mumble. 

This wonderful material is reproduced and re-jigged from an article and comments first appearing in “10 signs PR pros should consider retiring”, written by Susan Young of Get In Front Communications. The source link is here.

Motivational verse for your first full work week of 2012

Author and poet of children’s books, Charles Ghigna, is known to many as Father Goose. As we approach our first full work week in this new year, we at By George Journal thought it might be helpful to share a few of Father Goose’s motivational verses.  So, enjoy these ditties as you shake off that holiday sluggishness. It’s time to check in. Go to it.

The Art of Start
Don’t search for inspiration when
You have a task to do;
Just start your work and you will see
That it will soon find you.

Best Laid Plans
A plan is only good if it
Is one that gets recruited;
For good intentions soon will die
Unless they’re executed.

Ants Never Cry “Uncle”
Consider the little ant.
He never says, “I can’t.”
And so it comes as no surprise,
He carries things ten times his size.

Heavy Mettle
Adversity is what it takes
To see our goals ascend;
In order for the kite to rise,
It flies against the wind.

Success Full
Never doubt what you can do
No matter what the chore;
Success comes when we care enough
To do a little more.

Finish Lines
Success is never measured by
The things we try to do;
It only comes when we have seen
A task completely through.

3 top posts of 2010: Three Parables for Management Training

 

The Eagle and the Rabbit

An eagle was sitting in a tree resting, doing nothing….. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’  The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 

 

Moral of the story:  To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

The Turkey and the Bull

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’ t got the energy.’  ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there. 

The Frozen Bird 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and quickly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:  (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.  (3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

 

(ed. – This is a repost, picked as one of our favourite three posts of 2010, taken from earlier articles in this By George Journal. Within these pages there are hundreds of jokes and office humour posts that can spice up your presentations and bring some levity to your workplace. The original post is here: https://www.bygeorgejournal.ca/?p=621  

 

Hilarious – if they weren’t true!

   

A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers us a glimpse of some of the astoundingly ignorant public she is required to service. These exchanges would be hilarious – if they weren’t true.

  • A Kansas Congressman’s staffer called wanting to go to Cape Town.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.” His response — click.
  • A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me! I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!”   
  • A lawmaker’s wife who asked,  ”Is it possible to see England from Canada ?” I said,  ”No.” She said,  ”But they look so close on the map.”
  • A woman asked for an aisle seat on the plane so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.   
  • An Illinois Congresswoman needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
  • A New Yorker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?”  I said,  ‘No, why do you ask?’ He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),  and I’m overweight.  I think that’s very rude!” After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing).  I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
  • A Senator John Kerry aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
  • A freshman Congressman asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”
  • A Senator had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.  “Oh, no I don’t – I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”  I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
  • A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”  ‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.  After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.” ”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!” So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” And the reply – ”Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal.”