Category Archives: The Lighter Side

Humourous articles and classic jokes

The Elderly Priest

An elderly Canadian priest lay on his death bed.

He sent a message for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and the federal Finance Minister Bill Morneau to come to the hospital. When they arrived they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both Justin Trudeau and Bill Morneau were touched and flattered that this elderly priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments. However, the Liberals were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked, or even knew, either one of them.

Finally, Justin Trudeau asked, “Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”

The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves and that’s how I’d like to go.”

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it hereOrder your copy here.

Go figure…

Curtis and Leroy saw an ad in the Kitchener Record and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry fellers, I have some bad news; the mule died last night.”

Curtis and Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that, I went and spent it already.”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Leroy said, “We shore can!  Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis and Leroy at the Co-Op Grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer $2 apiece and made a profit of $898.”

The farmer asked, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?” 

Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So, we gave him his $2 back.” 

Well, word got out and Curtis and Leroy now work for the federal government. They’re overseeing the establishment of Trudeau’s Carbon Tax.

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it hereOrder your copy here.

Pet Parrot

During a lull between speeches at the recent Liberal convention, Sophie Grégeiore-Trudeau leaned over to chat with the PMs Chief of Staff Gerald Butts.

“You know, I bought Justin a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Justin has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!” 

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” said Butts, “but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, he doesn’t really understand what they mean.”  

“Oh, I know,” replied Sophie, “neither does the parrot.”

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Three Contractors and the Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence on Parliament Hill. One is from Ottawa, another is from Toronto, and the third is from Montreal. All three go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Ottawa contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he said, “I figure the job will run about $900 ($400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me).”

The Toronto contractor also did some measuring and figuring, then said, “I can do this job for $700 ($300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me).”

The Montreal contractor didn’t measure or figure, but leaned over to the government official and whispered, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Montreal contractor whispered back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replied the government official.  

And that is how our government procurement works.

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Heart Attack

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.

The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.

“Sadly,” he said, “I’m afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, Dear God!” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.  “We’ve never had a Liberal in the family before!”

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

The Earliest Tale of Forecasting

Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. 

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King, the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area.”

The King was polite and considerate, and he replied, “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. 

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So, the King hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work government’s highest and most influential positions.

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

Teaching Politics 101

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very Liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favour of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”

She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.  That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That’s a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I’ve worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Conservative side of the fence.”

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

The Haircut

When campaigning along the streets of Toronto, Justin Trudeau ducked into a barber shop and asked the barber, “How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will the haircut look?”

The barber replied, “Just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous.”

An hour and fifteen minutes later Trudeau looked into the mirror in horror and the barber handed him a bill for $200.

Trudeau gasped, “You took too long, it doesn’t look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!”

The barber smiled and replied, “That makes us even.”

 

FROM OUR E-BOOK

The joke was selected from Epic Political Jokes & Quotes – the 150-page-plus e-book bursting with funny guffaws, “shaggy-dog” stories and sideways jokes about politicians and politics. Read more about it here. Order your copy here.

 

#LOL #Humpday Memes

Here are six humourous memes to share and help get your friends and colleagues over the hump of the week! (Right click and save to your computer for use in emails and social media platforms.) Happy Wednesday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

And, here is a bonus image to forward to those who may be holding on by a thread and may need a little extra boost!

 

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

 

Top 10 Signs You are “Hockey-Crazy”

10 – You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a “pilgrimage.”

9 – Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.

8 – You can say “Khabibulin,” “Tkachuk,” “Jagr,” “Leschyshyn” and “Nikolishin” without getting tongue-tied.

7 – You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.

6 – You bake biscuits – burn them black – in dimensions of 3″ by 1.”

5 – Your closet is divided into 2 sections:  HOME and AWAY

4 – When someone says, “two minutes” you respond, “What for!?!”

3 – Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.

2 – All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.

 

And the # 1 sign that you are Hockey-Crazy is:

When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and chant, “He shoots!  He scores!”

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

5 taxing memes

On this the day of the fiscal update announcement in Ottawa, here are five of By George’s favourite memes on the subject of taxes. Seriously, it is not a funny matter…

taxes

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taxes4

calvin-coolidge

churchill

 

Join By George on Facebook and on Twitter for daily missives that are both provocative and entertaining.

You can zap your friends with these memes by right clicking on these images and copy/save to Facebook, Twitter or into an email.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Some Humpday Humour (6 memes)

Here are a half dozen memes most suitable for putting a smile on your face on Wednesday morning. Enjoy your sideways humpday humour.

 

To pass along this humour today, right click on these images and copy/save – and then share widely.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

15 Humpday Revelations

  1. Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue!
  2. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
  3. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
  4. We could learn a lot from crayons.  Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.  Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
  5. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  8. Never buy a car you can’t push.
  9. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
  10. Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
  11. The 2nd mouse gets the cheese.
  12. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
  13. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  14. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
  15. Birthdays are good for you.  The more you have, the longer you live.

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

 

American Know-How

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the “Rowing Team Quality First Program”, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.

There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

 

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Thanksgiving gaffaws (at the expense of the turkey)

  • Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
  • What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?  If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy.
  • Our turkey was sick. All day long it had a thermometer in it.
  • Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken’s day off.
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck himself!
  • Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?  Because they never learned good table manners!
  • What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, hubble, hubble.
  • Using a new recipe, my wife put the turkey in aluminum foil. She had to roast it until it was brown. Twenty-four hours later, the aluminum foil was still silver.
  • Every year around Thanksgiving and Christmas you see such helpful articles on “How To Carve A Turkey”.  And, they’re really practical.  Now, if I can only find a butcher who sells those turkeys with the dotted lines on them.
  • Why are the cranberries red? Because they saw the turkey dressing!
  • A man went to get a turkey from a live poultry farm. “Do you have any turkeys going cheap?” he asked. “Nope,” said the owner. “All our turkey go ‘gobble, gobble, gobble.'”
  • Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Timothy wrote, “I am thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Have a happy Thanksgiving all! Gobble, gobble!

Chris George provides reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Explaining Politics

MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM, “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.”

HE SAID, “NO.”

I TOLD HIM, “SHE IS BILL GATES’ DAUGHTER.”

HE SAID, “YES.”

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON.”

BILL GATES SAID, “NO.”

I TOLD BILL GATES, “MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK.”

BILL GATES SAID, “OK.”

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.

HE SAID, “NO.”

I TOLD HIM, “MY SON IS BILL GATES’ SON-IN-LAW.”

HE SAID, “OK.”

 

AND THAT’S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

 

(Thanks to our friend Dick Inwood who sent this wonderful laugh to us this morning! – cg) 

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? Call 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Henry Miller’s 10 Commandments for Writers

  1. Work on one thing at a time until finished.
  2. Start no more new books, add no more new material to “Black Spring.”
  3. Don’t be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.
  4. Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time! When you can’t create you can work.
  5. Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
  6. Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like it.
  7. Don’t be a draught-horse! Work with pleasure only.
  8. Discard the Program when you feel like it—but go back to it next day. Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude.
  9. Forget the books you want to write. Think only of the book you are writing.
  10. Write first and always. Painting, music, friends, cinema, all these come afterwards.

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Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Margaret Atwood’s 10 Rules for Writers

  1. Take a pencil to write with on airplanes. Pens leak. But if the pencil breaks, you can’t sharpen it on the plane, because you can’t take knives with you. Therefore: take two pencils. If both pencils break, you can do a rough sharpening job with a nail file of the metal or glass type.
  2. Take something to write on. Paper is good. In a pinch, pieces of wood or your arm will do.
  3. If you’re using a computer, always safeguard new text with a ­memory stick.
  4. Do back exercises. Pain is distracting.
  5. Hold the reader’s attention. (This is likely to work better if you can hold your own.) But you don’t know who the reader is, so it’s like shooting fish with a slingshot in the dark. What ­fascinates A will bore the pants off B.
  6. You most likely need a thesaurus, a rudimentary grammar book, and a grip on reality. This latter means: there’s no free lunch.
  7. Writing is work. It’s also gambling. You don’t get a pension plan. Other people can help you a bit, but ­essentially you’re on your own. ­Nobody is making you do this: you chose it, so don’t whine.
  8. You can never read your own book with the innocent anticipation that comes with that first delicious page of a new book, because you wrote the thing. You’ve been backstage. You’ve seen how the rabbits were smuggled into the hat. Therefore ask a reading friend or two to look at it before you give it to anyone in the publishing business. This friend should not be someone with whom you have a ­romantic relationship, unless you want to break up.
  9. Don’t sit down in the middle of the woods. If you’re lost in the plot or blocked, retrace your steps to where you went wrong. Then take the other road. And/or change the person. Change the tense. Change the opening page.
  10. Prayer might work. Or reading ­something else. Or a constant visual­isation of the holy grail that is the finished, published version of your resplendent book.

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Chris George, providing reliable PR & GR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.

Murphy’s (other) 15 Laws

  1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest
  4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night
  5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
  7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
  10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
  12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
  13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
  14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Chris George, providing reliable PR counsel and effective advocacy. Need a go-to writer and experienced communicator? 613-983-0801 @ CG&A COMMUNICATIONS.